View From A Minivan

Customer Service Sucks

2006-08-26T20:36:00.000-05:00

My husband and I have wanted a new bed for about 2 years now. Coincidentally, this was about 3 days after we bought our last bed.

I’m sure we’ve all been through it….buy something, get so excited about it, actually get it and use it, realize its crap.

Well, we finally broke down and got a new bed. Well, we didn’t exactly get a new bed, we ordered a new bed.

We ordered a new bed on August 6th.

It’s August 26th.

I still don’t have a new bed.

Isn’t it amazing the level of customer service you receive when you are a potential buyer? The salesman caters to your every whim, gives you gift certificates for free food and ice cream at the other stores in the mall, even offers to watch your screaming children while you decide between the 3000 and 5000 model.

And then you have a problem.

And. no. one. can. help. you.

Let me back up a bit.

My husband and I went to the select comfort store to buy a sleep number bed. He likes a firmer mattress; I prefer the cushy pillow top. We got a pillow top last time and now we are left with a mattress that resembles something to the effect of two shallow ditches on either side of small hill. Not exactly comfortable. So no pillow top this time.

This time we decided on a sleep number bed. The beauty of comfort at the push of a button.

Except I have no button. Because I have no mattress.

Well, I could have had a mattress today. The wrong mattress.

When the delivery guy got here today he brought me two twins. I ordered a King.

So tonight once again, while I wait on the customer service gods to smile down on me, I will climb into my shallow ditch and fight all night against the small hill beside me every time I try to roll over in my sleep.

Because customer service sucks!

5 Months

2006-08-24T18:24:00.000-05:00

I just realized that it has been 5 months since I last posted.....5 months!!!

Geesh! Time flies when you're busy.

Here's a brief synopsis of what I have done over the past 5 months:

1. Gave notice to my boss who offered me a 15K raise to stay. Turned him down.
2. Interviewed 52 people for my boss to find a replacement. Individuals were turned away for the following reasons (by him, not me):

a. Too fat
b. Too thin
c. Too old
d. Too young
e. Too blonde
f. Too dark
g. Fingernails were too “squared”
h. Too hard
i. Too tall
j. Too short
k. Had a moustache (female)
l. Looked too “manly”
m. Too professional looking
n. Not professional enough
o. Not pretty enough
p. Too pretty
q. Seems “strange”
r. Seems too nice
s. Not nice enough
t. Eyebrows were too thick
u. Wasn’t married
v. Didn’t have kids
w. Had too many kids
x. Too “ethnic”
y. Too bookish
z. Not me

3. Worked until the day before I actually moved and the packers were already at the house.

4. Moved from Pennsylvania to Florida.

5. Got a new job (Director of Human Resources, thank you very much!)

6. Husband deployed.

7. Dealing with full-time job, part-time (online) job and two kids alone.

8. One child has chronic diarrhea (this may be the worst item on the list).

So that’s about it. That’s what I’ve done the past 5 months. Now I’m here and settled and hopefully life will regain some normalcy. We shall see.

Hopefully, I’ll keep you posted.

Hello...

2006-03-23T14:36:00.000-05:00

I realize that I have been absent and unaccounted for. And I appreciate all one of you who emailed me to see how I was. (Thanks, Shar)

Things have been rather hectic. I have been interviewing to fill my position here at work. It's really strange to look people in the face and ask them questions about their past knowing that they are going to be taking your job.

I am probably not the best person to interview these people because none of them will ever live up to my expectations. Not that I am so great, but in my mind I am! And there IS NO COMPETITION!

So, I'm still here. Just busy interviewing, working, cleaning my house to put on the market, and being a mommy.

Keep checking on me though. I'll be back!

Oscar Report

2006-03-07T09:51:00.000-05:00

I have tried to resist....

...but I can't.

I must post about it.

The Oscars.

Now, I usually love the Oscars, but this year was ridiculous. I am so sick of Hollywood (aka Liberal Actors) strutting around and spouting off about how they are the voice of the people.

Ummm….how many gay cowboys do you know?

….or what about sympathetic terrorists?

….or effeminate gay writers?

….or racist cops?

Okay, maybe we all know a racist cop, but seriously….what is up with the nominated movies?

Did anyone even see any of them?

And I am even afraid to get started about the original song category, but here goes:

The pimp song won??!!! The Academy actually voted for that song to win??!!! Why?

Why?

Why?

Okay, stop asking ‘why’ Sherri.

Anyway, not only did that song suck, it was an embarrassment.

And what about the “In the Deep” song from Crash?

The set was full of burning cars that I assume were meant to simulate an accident and all the people were moving in slow motion. Instead of creating the intended drama the designers of this piece only succeeded in reminding me of the ‘Dawn of the Dead’ movie I saw when I was seventeen. I was giggling shouting out, “Brains. Brains!!!” in my living room.

But I was happy that Reese Witherspoon won. That was about it.

BBRRRrrrrrr

2006-03-06T10:46:00.000-05:00

Apparently, satan is busy working on his triple loop, double loop combination for the next winter olympics.

Why, you ask?

Because, I, yes, me, Sherri, woke up early to.....gasp....exercise this morning.

And I fully intend to do it tomorrow.

Where is this insanity coming from?

It may have something to do with the mix of balmy beaches and a bikini looming in my near future.

Scary.

Personal DNA

2006-03-03T14:01:00.000-05:00

I saw this on PreppyGirl's blog and thought it was interesting.

Here are my results:

Encouraging Creator

Your imagination, confidence, willingness to explore, and appreciation of beauty make you a CREATOR.

You are independent, and you enjoy your self-sufficiency.

Defying convention, you are very innovative, and you have a vivid imagination.

The look of things is important to you, and you have a keen eye for aesthetic beauty in multiple arenas.

You have a strong interest in what is new and exciting—and that includes forging ahead with new ideas, not simply discovering what is already out there.

Your eagerness to seek new and varied experiences leads you into many different situations.

You're not set on one way of doing things, and you are creative when it comes to finding novel solutions to complex problems.

You trust yourself to be innovative and resourceful.

Your confidence allows you to take your general awareness and channel it into creativity.

Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts

Your outgoing nature, understanding of others, and directness make you ENCOURAGING.

You want others to do well for themselves, and you generally believe in their abilities.

You often know what's good for people because of your caring nature and your worldview.

When you care about someone, you don't keep it to yourself: you are good at letting people know that you're thinking of them.

Because you trust people, you take violations of that trust very seriously.

You thrive in large groups of people, and even though you know who you like and who you don't like, you can interact well with many different types of people.

You have a healthy respect for people who have earned what they have, and you strive to be similar to successful others.

You are a loyal friend, and a good listener.

Annoying

2006-03-01T08:43:00.000-05:00

As I stated before, I have given up coffee for a while. I haven’t had a cup since Friday. I feel that I may be weakening. One of the major signs is how easily annoyed I am right now. Example:

I HATE when I see fake bullet hole stickers on cars or those baseballs that look like they are lodged in the window and the window is shattered. Especially when they are on minivans. I drive a minivan and it just PISSES ME OFF!

Why?

Not really sure.

Do I have the right to be so easily annoyed? Apparently not. At least to my husband, that is.

He tells me all the time how difficult and annoying I can be. Here are some lovely examples:

My husband always tells me not to leave my military ID in my car because someone might steal it. I like leaving it in the car because I always have to get it out of my purse when I drop the kids off and it’s a pain.

I told my husband, “Don’t worry about it. No one will see my ID. It’s under all the money I have in my car for tolls on the turnpike.”

He just stares at me and shake his head.

See….I’m annoying.

Then there’s my singing. Whenever something happens that puts a song in my head I MUST sing it.

We were at Walmart looking for some T-shirts for Charlie. I picked up a new Power Rangers T-shirt and said, “Hey Charlie, look!”

And then I began to sing, “Here come the Power Rangers, here come the Power Rangers, here come the Power Rangers, MYSTIC FORCE!!”

And again, my husband stares at me and this time quietly but urgently says, “Stop. Just stop it.”

I am annoying.

But I don’t care.

So I guess all those people with their fake bullets holes and baseball attacked broken windows are allowed to be annoying too.

Maybe.

Still Busy

2006-02-27T12:55:00.000-05:00

Okay.

So I’m REALLY supposed to be working, but you all have been neglected for far too long. It’s just that there isn’t enough time. NO TIME!!!

I am too busy. Two kids, a dog, a husband who travels for work, a job, a long commute, and a fish. (I think it’s the fish that pushed me over the edge.)

I literally wake up at 5am and don’t have a minute for myself until 7:30pm. And by then I’m too tired. Right now I am “working”. But it’s all for you people. So if I get fired….send me money.

This whole issue about not enough time wasn’t such a big deal until I saw Martha Stewart making nachos and it pissed me off. Let me explain.

Pre-Superbowl, I’m watching some stupid “makethesegreatSuperbowlsnacks” show and Martha Stewart is explaining how to make nachos. (See….Pre-Superbowl!!! See how behind I am???)

Apparently, it is a travesty when you eat the top layer of chips with all the gooey cheese and stuff on them and then underneath all that’s left is……gasp!.....chips.

So, to be a better person, like Martha, you have to specially prepare each chip.

That’s right. Each individual nacho chip should be slathered with refried beans, sprinkled with cheese, and then showered with tomatoes prior to being put into a 350 degree oven.

When the hell am I supposed to find time to decorate individual nacho chips?

Really Martha, my husband is lucky to get a bag of Tostitos and a jar of cheese thrown at him.

Who the hell are you to tell me to individually decorate my nacho chips?

Go to hell. I hate you.

So anyway, as I was saying…..Martha Stewart pissed me off.

Because I don’t have enough time.

And that’s NOT a good thing.

P.S. I have not had a cup of coffee since Friday because I am vainly trying to whiten my teeth, so I am extremely bitchy….comment appropriately! You have been warned.

We've Come A Long Way!

2006-02-24T08:22:00.000-05:00

1954 Popular Mechanics -

Text in picture:

Scientists from the RAND Corporation have created this model to illustrate how a "home computer" could look like in the year 2004. However the needed technology will not be economically feasible for the average home. Also the scientists readily admit that the computer will require yet invented technology to actually work, but 50 years from now scientific progress is expected to solve these probelms. With teletype interface and the Fortran language, the computer will be easy to use.

Ummm....I just want to know what the steering wheel is for? Explain that one.

I'm here! I'm here!

2006-02-17T15:34:00.000-05:00

What?

I'm here.

Thanks to those of you who reached out to let me know you missed me. I've missed me to.

Seriously. Being crazy busy ain't fun.

Anywhoo...I have two recents events that I thought I'd share with you that are somewhat humorous to me.

First.....

THE TOMATO DRAMA!

My coworker called and ordered lunch. I requested turkey club, no tomato. Not that difficult, right?

Apparently it is.

Ten minutes later the restaurant called back. My coworker comes to me and says, "Sherri, you're never going to believe this, but the restaurant is on the phone and they said that they can't take the tomato off of your sandwich."

I thought she was pulling my leg so I went to the phone. Sure enough it was the restaurant.

"Hello," I said. "Is there something wrong with my order?"

"Uh, yes. We can't make your sandwich with no tomato," the restaurant guy replied.

"And why is that?" I asked.

"We already have the sandwiches made in the morning."

"So you can't just take the tomato off?" I asked.

"No," he replied. "You would have to call the day before and put in your order."

What??? All this for no tomato!

"Let me get this straight. You're telling me that you can't take the sandwich, take off the top piece of bread, remove the tomato, and replace the bread?"

*big sigh* "Hold on," he said.

He comes back to the phone.

"Okay. I talked to the girl. She said she'd do it."

WTF?

Is it some major event to remove a tomato from a sandwich? And how the hell am I supposed to know what I want for lunch tomorrow? And thanks for letting me know that your crappy sandwiches are pre-made. I won't be eating there again!

Next was.....

VENDING MACHINE FAUX PAS!

I went down to the vending machine and the vending machine guy was filling it. I picked out a candy bar, went to give him my money and he said,"Don't worry about it. Let me buy you one."

Great! I thanked him and went upstairs.

As I was walking by another employees desk I said, "It's great to go to the vending machine when the guy is filling it. You get free stuff!"

"What?" she replies. "I was just down there and I didn't get anything for free."

Oops.

There was this awkward silence as we both gave each other the once over and silently realized why I got something for free and she didn't.

Nothing else was said.

So that's what's been going on. Not much. Just crazy busy work, stupid restaurant employees and me putting my foot in my mouth. Just a normal day.

Busy

2006-02-08T08:32:00.000-05:00

Ohmigod, Ya'll. I am SO BUSY!

Seriously.

I have not forgotten you.

My boss has determined that I don't do enough work. Apparently, sweating because you are working so hard at a desk job, taking 5 minutes for lunch, and doing the amount of work that 3 people would do is not proof enough that you are busy. Therefore, I must take on additional tasks.

And get phone calls at home.

At 10pm.

From my boss.

Asking me about luggage allowances for his trip to Hawaii.

So anyway, as I said.....I'm busy.

I still love you all and am missing you.

I'll be back soon. My aforementioned boss will be on vacation next week, so I'll have a little time then.

Don't forget me!

~S

Still Here

2006-02-03T08:27:00.000-05:00

Contrary to the rumors going around about my abduction by aliens, being sold into white slavery run by a Colombian drug lord, or joining the circus, the sad truth is that my absence is due to the boring fact that I have been busy.

Just busy.

Boring.

But I suppose abduction by aliens or being sold into slavery in Colombia wouldn't be much fun.

But the circus might.

Oh well.

I'll try to thrill you with something interesting on Monday. :)

200! (...and Payback's a Bitch)

2006-01-30T08:52:00.000-05:00

Well, this is it. Number 200!

Not only does this post have the distinction of being number 200 it also marks one of those rare moments when I go to give someone their payback....and man, ain't it a bitch!

Remember that nasty salesman that called me and his rude Joe Pesci comment? Well another representative of his company called today. And I just happened to have rude salesman's name down in my phone log. And I just happened to ask the new representative if he knew him. And he just happens to be the boss of rude salesman. And I just happened to relay to him how very rude, rude salesman was. And new representative was very upset and concerned. :)

Ahhhh.....revenge IS a dish best served cold!

Mom

2006-01-25T19:28:00.000-05:00

I don't know if most of you know this, but my Mom reads this everyday. Sometimes I think I should censor my posts, but I figure she already knows the type of person I am so not much I could write would surprise her.

We spoke on the phone earlier today and she asked me how to post a comment. Mom's generation isn't very computer savvy, so I gave her the quick run down and she said she might post a comment every now and then....she said she wasn't sure if she should.

My Mom says she likes to read this because it makes her feel close to me. She lives in Mississippi while I am in Pennsylvania. She also said that she enjoys all of your comments and that she thinks I have "a lot of real nice friends on the internet."

So all of you, please take a moment and say "hi" to my Mom. She's definitely one of the nicest people I know. She puts up with me so she has to be.

Lunch Story

2006-01-25T09:29:00.000-05:00

I really don’t like to criticize people…….

Oh who am I kidding? I live for it.

Anyway, I had some interesting experiences during my lunch break yesterday. So let the criticism begin!

I went to the mall to have the contacts in my boss’ old phone transferred to his new phone. Once I was done with that I figured it was time for lunch. I made my way down to the food court, ordered a salad and walked over to the cash register. While I’m waiting for the cashier to notice me I look back at the person in line behind me. It’s an older gentleman, probably around 60. He’s fairly nice looking for his age with snow white hair.

But….

His one distinguishing feature is the giant inch long hairs poking out of his nose. There was so much hair that you could have knitted a baby cap out of it. It was absolutely disgusting.

Now, I can understand the extra abundance of nose hair in say, a homeless person, or maybe someone in an impoverished country who doesn’t have money to invest in personal hygiene. But this guy was a business man. Expensive suit, quality overcoat, nice shoes.

It was nasty.

So I turn to the cashier who looks at me, glances at the man and looks back at me with wide eyes. I just give her the “I know, I know” look but remain silent so not to offend.

The cashier rings me up. “That’s $7.41.”

I hand her a ten dollar bill. She rings in the ten dollars. Her cash register shows that my change is $2.59. I give her a penny so I won’t get so much change. As soon as the penny hits her hand she freezes. She looks up at me and once again her eyes get wide. She doesn’t know what to do.

Finally, after much deliberation she hands me two dollar bills and two quarters.

“You owe me a dime,” I say to her.

“What?”

“You owe me a dime.”

“Ummm…..but you gave me a penny.”

“I know. And you owe me a dime.”

“Umm….okay.”

She hands me the dime.

Finally, I get back to my car. I want to get back to the office to eat my salad because by now I am starving. As I pull up to the light out of the mall parking lot I notice that car in front of me has a vanity plate…..”Elaine-9”. I am assuming the vanity plate means that her name is Elaine and she was born in 1909. That is the only explanation.

When Elaine-9 pulled out of the mall she drove straight down the middle of the two lanes of traffic. I don’t know if she possibly thought that the line was a guide for the middle of her car, but apparently that was what she was doing. As she started to make the left turn out of the parking lot, she stopped. She just stopped in the middle of traffic. With me behind her. In the middle of traffic. Finally, Elaine-9 summoned up the energy to pull the steering wheel far enough to the left to maneuver her car into the appropriate lane allowing me to finally get out of harms way.

As I passed Elaine-9 I got a look at her. She certainly looked like she could have been born in 1909. She was wrinkly and extremely small as if every year she had lived had taken an inch off of her.

I feel for the elderly who have to deal with the fact that they are losing their capabilities along with their freedom, but if you getting to go to the mall on your own means me getting killed in a car accident, well too bad, stay home.

So that was lunch yesterday. How was yours?

Weird

2006-01-24T08:46:00.000-05:00

I was tagged by Wordnerd to spill the beans about five of my weird habits. I don’t know if the word “habit” would accurately explain these five things. They are more like weird inherent traits. I call them that because I have absolutely no control over them.

1. I am obsessed with things being neat.

Okay, I know this doesn’t seem that weird but I think I border on OCD with this one. When I was in college and lived alone I couldn’t sit down to study for a test until my entire apartment was clean.

I could be sitting on the couch, studying for an anatomy exam and my eye would rest on a knick knack on a shelf. The knick knack would be about 2 inches too far to the left. I’d go back to studying. I’d look back up. I’d go back to studying. I couldn’t concentrate. All I could think about was that damn knick knack. Finally I’d get up and move it.

Of course by the time I’d get back to studying I’d notice something else and the process would start all over again. I finally decided that the best way to avoid this was just to go ahead and clean the entire apartment before studying. I know it sounds drastic, but it was the only way.

2. I get freaked out when someone touches my belly button.

I REALLY hate it. I’m not sure why. During…..you know…..my husband has been forewarned that there is a 2 inch comfort zone all the way around the belly button. If he starts to invade that space he is given a stern warning and if he actually touches it. Forget it. Mood broken.

3. I count stairs.

I suppose this is similar to Wordnerd counting the steps to her car, although she does this to avoid cracks. I on the other hand have a very real need to know how many steps there are when I am going up a staircase. Why? Don’t know.

In my last house there were 13 steps. In my new house there are 9, a landing, and then 5. The house I lived in as a kid had 17. The main stairs at my work have 12, a landing, and 12. The back stairs at my work have 13, a landing, and 13. I don’t think I should know this.

4. I am afraid of the beach at night.

This isn’t the normal, it’s dark and someone might come and kill me afraid. This is the it’s dark and if I turn my back on the ocean some undiscovered sea monster will emerge from the churning waters and eat me and no one will know what happened to me kind of afraid.

5. I like being sick.

Now you are proabaly thinking, "She really is a nutcase." But please realize this isn’t the, I have Munchausen’s Syndrome and want to hurt my kids or I’m some kind of hypochondriac and want some deadly disease kind of thing. This is the, I’m really tired and stressed and worn out and isn’t a cold great so that my husband will bring me chicken soup and watch the kids and I can stay in bed all day and watch TV and read books kind of thing.

So those are my five weird things. If you don’t know me and you read this you are probably assuming that I am an OCD and phobia-ridden hypochondriac. It’s scary how close to the truth that really is!

Okay, now to spread the joy. I am tagging:

PreppyGirl

Princess

Shari

Nilo

Kurt

TV Is Rotting My Brain

2006-01-20T08:31:00.000-05:00

Why do I watch stupid television shows? Why? At the time I’m watching I think to myself, “This is completely ridiculous!” Yet I still watch.

Example:

Invasion

Sorry to those of you who like this show. I like this show, but it is stupid.

On the last episode one of the characters was talking to his current wife. She was upset because he had been spending too much time with his ex-wife. Here’s his explanation.

“Honey, it’s not what you think. I’ve been spending this extra time with Mariel because Tom may not be human anymore. When his plane crashed the things in the water attacked him and changed his genetic code. Now Mariel is one of them too, but she is fighting it. I’m trying to help her, for the kids’ sake. These hybrids have been known to kill. She needs my help.”

WHAT??!!!

Here’s the stupidity. If I knew my husband was attacked by aliens and he was no longer human and there was a history of these hybrid beings killing their children I wouldn’t be hanging around. Sorry honey.

And how did the actor even get that out with a straight face? How many takes did they have to do? I would have been like, "Listen. Mr. Director. I can't say this. This is just really stupid. I know you're paying me and all, but man.....what the hell were the writers thinking?"

Okay, next show….

Skating with Celebrities

Yep. I watched it. Why? Not really sure. Maybe it was that ‘looking at a train wreck’ mentality. Here’s the really sad part. Most of these people could barely skate. At times there were arms flailing and feet shuffling and looks of horror across the celebrities’ faces but yet, when it was all over, the judges said, “Great job. That was really entertaining.”

WHAT??!!!

No. No it wasn’t. Here’s what I would have said if I where the judge:

“Todd Bridges, what the hell made you think you could skate? At least Jillian Barberi skated as a child and if nothing else we can look at her boobs. But you, what have you got to offer? That sucked. I was embarrassed not only for you but your family. Seriously. It was just sad. And since when does being in a 70’s sitcom make you a celebrity? (turning to the producers) How deep in the barrel did we have to go before we got him? Why the hell did you think this was a good idea? What the hell am I doing here? I’m out. (storming off the set)

Well, actually, I would have never agreed to be on that show. But if I had I would have said that.

And you’re wondering if I’ll be watching next week.

Ummm……

*hanging head*

Yes.

Help Please

2006-01-19T09:07:00.000-05:00

I try to be nice and link to other blogs and what does it get me??? My entire sidebar is now at the bottom of the page. Why? Don't know. All I did was add the link. I didn't touch anything else. So Adam, it was your blog I linked too....any suggestions?

*sigh*

Questions Answered

2006-01-19T08:48:00.000-05:00

First let me start by saying, “You guys rock!” Seriously. Thanks for all the recent comments and feedback. I was pleasantly surprised with all the questions and suggestions for a post, so I’m going to address some of those now.

1. Explain any wacky secret theories you may have about life, or self-help books, or movies, or chocolate, etc. (submitted by Sleepless Mama)

Wow! What a question. Where to start?

I already explained Sherri’s Theory of Relativity in a previous post, so I’ll be lazy and link that here.

It’s funny that you mentioned self-help books. I have actually tried to write one several times. Basically it would have been one of those, how to be more organized-deal with stress-lead a happier and better life books. But of course I was so unorganized, stressed out and miserable that I never got past the first page. Do you see the irony here?

I actually think self-help books are over-rated. Most of this stuff is common sense, but over course it takes some over-paid, self-important yahoo to tell us these basic life skills (that, of course, we already know) before we will use what we already know. (Did you notice how many hyphens were in that paragraph? Is the use of hyphens directly proportional to the need to use more hyphens in the future? Maybe another theory is brewing here!)

Okay, moving on….

Movies. I love movies. But I think we need to be careful. Movies have much more power than we give them credit. They shape what becomes accepted in society and also influence the actions of our youth. People who don’t think they do are living in a fantasy world.

Chocolate. The world’s most perfect food. Need I say more?

2. What does the name ‘Kennedy’ mean to you? (submitted by Adam the uber god)

When I think of the name Kennedy I initially think of a dream lost. I was born seven years after Kennedy was assassinated so I never had the opportunity to personally experience the Camelot years. But I do think that his history is taught with a sense of awe and hope of what could have been.

The name Kennedy also brings to mind the following words: scandal, controversy, old wind bag (can you guess which Kennedy I’m referring to there?), and of course American Royalty.

Well, that’s all I have time for today. I’ll try to address some more of your questions and comments. Keep them coming!

_____________________________________________

Nasty Salesman Update:

I can’t believe it! I got another nasty salesman call. Go figure.

This guy wanted to talk to my boss about collections. I kept telling him that collections was handled by our accounting department. He then insisted that he MUST speak to the owner of the company that someone below the owner couldn’t POSSIBLY make the decision to use his company. I told him my boss hires people to do these things for him, they are called “employees”.

Yes, You Are Here To Amuse Me

2006-01-17T14:54:00.000-05:00

First let me say thank you to those of you who have provided suggestions for future posts. I greatly appreciate it. I will tackle Kingfisher’s MILF subject matter as soon as possible. But…..I actually have something to tell you today.

I usually receive four or five calls a day from different companies wanting to do business with my boss. I have specific instructions that if he doesn’t know them to throw the message away. This one guy has been calling every other day. Finally I started to feel sorry for the guy.

“Good Morning, Big Boss Man’s Office, this is Sherri,” I answered pleasantly.

“Yes, May I speak to Big Boss Man, please?”

“I’m sorry. He’s out of the office. May I take a message?” I asked.

“Thanks. This is Pushy Salesman from XYZ Company. I’m just following up on some literature I sent to Big Boss Man last week. I’ve called several times but haven’t heard back.”

Okay. I remembered this guy. He had called about four times before. I knew he wanted to talk to my boss, but I figured I’d save him a little time.

“Oh hi, Pushy. I remember you. Do you have some specific information I could relay to Big Boss Man about your call.”

I figured if I could find out specifically why he was calling I could then let him know that we weren’t interested.

“No. The information I have to give to Big Boss Man is from our Mergers and Acquisitions Department and it is private proprietary information from some interested buyers.”

Okay, I KNOW that our company is not for sale so I figure I’ll help the guy out. Not trying to sound completely rude I try to soften the blow with words like “probably” and a little laugh in my voice.

“Well, Pushy, just to save you some time, I do know that our company is not for sale so that’s probably why Big Boss Man hasn’t gotten back to you,” I relay (with aforementioned laugh in my voice).

“Well, you said probably so you aren’t sure. Just give him the message,” he snaps.

He’s pissing me off. I HATE when salesmen think they can be rude to me to get through to my boss. So the wrong tactic.

“No, actually I am sure,” I reply (once again with a polite, pleasant laugh in my voice even though he’s pissed me off. FYI - Think a smiling phone voice not a hysterical maniacal laugh).

And he replies……

“What?! Do I sound like Joe Pesci to you?! Do you think I’m funny! There sure is a lot of laughing going on over there! Just give him the message!” he shouts, without a HINT of laughter.

HUH?

Is he actually wanting something from me and being rude?

Before I could reply he hung up.

What a jackass.

Milestones

2006-01-16T09:17:00.000-05:00

Well, my faithful readers (or unfaithful, I know some of you cheat on me with other blogs!)....anyway, it seems I have reached a milestone...

Over 10,000 hits on my site!

I think that's pretty cool.

I am also precariously close to 200 posts, but that's going to take another week or two to reach.

I look back over the past 9 months of posting my thoughts, ideas and experiences and realize that when this started it was out of boredom. Now it's more out of habit and need.

I love being able to put things out there and hear what you all think about it. Some of you affect my opinions and actions more than you know. Thanks for being there over these past months. It is amazing how much has happened.

It is also amazing what is about to happen.

The Navy has decided that my husband would better serve them in Jacksonville, Florida rather than here in the Great White North (or the Barren Lands as I sometimes like to call it). So we are awaiting the official word, but rumor has it that we will be moving sometime in June.

So, if I end up getting a house with a pool you are all invited. I'll keep you posted.

Finally, as I mentioned I am very close to 200 posts and I find that I seem to be running out of things to say lately, so I have a bit of homework for you. Will you all please post a question or a topic in the comments section? I'll try to respond with a post to each of you. Thank you for your help!

Oh, the Irony!

2006-01-10T18:39:00.000-05:00

It's funny how you say something, not realizing that it's about to happen.

Remember my post from the other day, when I just happened to mention that I am broke and bought groceries with my credit card?

(Let me first preface this post with a disclaimer: I am not really "broke". I make enough money to pay my bills with a little left over for the occasional dinner out, etc. The problem is that I usually schedule my bills to be paid before all the money is actually in my account usually rendering me "broke" for two or three days waiting for my windfall. With that said, back to the post...)

Well, I went to the grocery store at lunch today to buy a few things. My husband is in Virginia at a class and I am already worn out from the kids and couldn't bear to drag the two of them around the store after a long day at work. I get to the check-out counter, glance behind me and who do I see? A guy from work.

He tries to be funny and puts his soup and sandwich with my groceries as if I'm going to buy it. Ha. Ha. We exchange pleasantries and then stand there as my items are rung up.

"Ma'am, your card is declined," the clerk said to me.

Huh???? I just got money out yesterday and had over $400.00.

Well, apparently my husband had scheduled a few bills that all but wiped out the account. I was penniless. And I was standing at the check out. With all my groceries already bagged. With someone I work with standing behind me.

Now I had two options. I could use one of my credit cards, but I wasn't sure which one had any money on it. I was scared to risk having another card declined. I don't think I could bear it. So I opted for my other option...

"I'm so sorry," I apologized to the clerk. "I guess you'll have to put it all back."

As the words are barely out of my mouth my co-worker reaches in front of me and swipes his bank card and pays for my groceries. I just looked at him in disbelief. I know I should be appreciative, but I was EMBARRASSED! I suppose it would have been more embarrasing to walk out of the store with my groceries still sitting in the cart, but at least none of those people know me.

So I went back to work, tail between my legs, thankful to Brad that my kids have their fruit snacks and more importantly, I can snack on my Double Dutch Chocolate Muffin.

Oh yeah, and I owe him $65.00.

So now, as we review, the words of my past haunt me. 'I bought groceries with my credit card.'

I was too poor to do even that.

I bought groceries with someone else's credit card!

Um....Yeah.....

2006-01-09T12:56:00.000-05:00

My boss received a beautiful glossy catalogue from a realtor in Palm Beach, Florida. He is looking to possibly purchase another house. (For those of you who don't know, my boss is worth several 100 million) Being from South Florida, I paged through the catalogue and recognized some of the more prominent homes in the area.

When my boss arrived at work I handed him the catalogue.

"This came for you," I said.

"Oh great, I can't wait to look through it," he replied.

"I took a peek at it. I actually recognized some of the homes from when I lived in Florida."

"Oh did you? Aren't some of them amazing? I just don't know where those people get all their money!" he exclaimed.

So would this be a good time to let my boss know:

- I bought groceries last month with my credit card because I am broke.

- His annual salary, excluding his company profits, is 17.55 times more than mine.

- My last real vacation was in the year 2000.

Probably not.

"Yeah. I just don't know either," I replied. "Some people are just really wealthy."

Underpaid

2006-01-06T08:46:00.000-05:00

I have a challenge for you all:

Review your job duties at work, figure out how many full-time jobs you really do (I do the work of three people at my office), and calculate what your annual salary should be according to salary.com.

Here's mine:

Executive Assistant (My actual job title) - $45,010
Benefits Administrator (What I spend most of my time on - oh yeah, and I'm the only person at my company who does this) - $48,717
Website Content Manager (A "fun" collateral duty that fell in my lap) - $77,950

So technically I should be making $171,677 a year!!!

And my salary isn't even close.

Ugh.

Poop Report

2006-01-05T15:38:00.000-05:00

The other day my husband was sick. For some reason my husband and I feel it necessary to share all of our odd bodily functions during illnesses. My husband proceeded to begin a story that I knew was going to end up with a graphic description of poo, so being the smartass I am, I began to jump up and down saying, "OOhhh! OOhhh! Tell me about your poo!"

So of course, he told me.

Not to be outdone, seeing my excitement, my three year old takes my hand and looks up at me grinning with pride, "Mommy, I pooped at school today, too!"

Bitchfest '06 - continued

2006-01-05T11:09:00.000-05:00

Okay, I am sufficiently rested and hydrated. I am ready to continue...

Bitch #3

What the hell is up with the NFL? They have determined that only those fans attending the Super Bowl between the ages of 18 and 45 will be able to go onto the field while the Rolling Stones play the halftime show. Their excuse is that older fans may not be able to stand that long.

Ummmmm.....aren't the Rolling Stones themselves approximately 106?

Come on people! If I'm old and decrepit I'm going to know that I can't go out on the field. How about letting people use their judgment and fend for themselves. Geesh!

This portion of Bitchfest '06 brought to you by Lucky's Adult Book Store (I know, I know, but you have to take what you can get.)

Bitchfest '06

2006-01-05T08:40:00.000-05:00

Prepare the soap box, I’m gettin’ on.

Okay. I have refrained from bitching about current events, etc. lately, but I can no longer hold my tongue. So, in order to do this right, I am presenting to you…dum da da dum da dum!!!!!

BITCHFEST ‘06

That’s right. Not only am I going to bitch about what is pissing me off, I am going to invite you, my wonderful readers, to join in. So, read about my pissy attitude and then please delight me with yours! Now, on with the show…

Bitch #1

David Letterman. Now I am all for voicing your opinion. That’s why we have this document called the Constitution and freedom of speech, blah, blah, blah. But….BUT…if you are going to voice an opinion Mr. Letterman, have some facts to back up your statements.

He invited Bill O’Reilly on his show and proceeded to try to tear him apart. He told O’Reilly that his show was neither “fair” nor “balanced” and when O’Reilly asked him to be specific Letterman said he didn’t know because he didn’t watch the show.

WTF???

How can you have an opinion about a television show you have never seen?

Bitch #2

The Media. Get the facts. That’s all I have to say. Confirm you stories before you run headlines like, “12 Miners Found Alive!” Jerks.

Okay, admittedly that was not THAT much bitching. But I am trying to work my way into the New Year a little at a time. I don't want to pull a valuable bitch muscle you know. Then I might not be able to bitch for the entire season. And then of course, I'd lose my bitch sponsors.

This session of bitchfest '06 has been brought to you by Midol, Pamprin, and the letter K.

So....that’s all I have for today. Feel free to agree or disagree, it’s your right.

Farewell Dinner

2006-01-03T09:24:00.000-05:00

Well, here we are, officially a few days into the New Year and already the resolutions have been made, broken and remade.

It’s just sad how easily I can break my New Year’s resolutions. And it’s the same every year – to be healthier, eat better and work out more. Why am I even surprised that I fail?

This year, in an attempt to be completely ready and fully committed to my new, healthy lifestyle, I went out to dinner on New Year’s Eve. This was an attempt to eat all of the fattening, favorite things that I will be denied over the next few months. It was my way of saying, “Farewell fatty foods, you have been good to me, but alas, I must deny myself of you for a short while.”

The dinner started out with a wonderful Caramel Appletini. Um…Yummy! That’s all I have to say about that one.

Next was cheese sticks. More of a bar food appetizer, but my husband's favorite, so that’s what we had. I think the restaurant was aware of our impending resolution (yep…talked the husband into being “healthy” too) and the order had 14 cheese sticks in it. Now, I have never, NEVER, gotten that many cheese sticks in an order, and I’m pretty sure I’ve never eaten more than three or four in a sitting, but wouldn’t you know, we polished them off.

Next were two cheddar bay biscuits (yes, it was Red Lobster) and a Caesar salad with baby shrimp, which was just a precursor to dinner. Oh my glorious dinner, how I loved thee!

First I must say that whoever created the “create your own holiday platter” is a genius. I may give them my Nobel Prize. Seriously.

I ordered snow crab legs, coconut shrimp, stuffed mushrooms and a baked potato. So good. I didn’t finish it all, but I put a huge dent in it.

Of course no fatty dinner is complete without dessert. Charlie and I shared a brownie sundae (or to you Red Lobster fans, the Fudge Overboard).

As we left I was feeling fat and happy. Ready to start my New Year’s resolution at the stroke of midnight.

But then I felt sick. Oh I felt bad. Too much food. Too much fat.

Have you ever felt drunk on food? You get light-headed, a little woozy and start to feel like you can’t think straight? Yep, that was me.

I think this is how it went in my body:

“Brain, this is stomach control. We have an issue here.”

“Stomach control, this is brain. Go ahead.”

“Well, it seems like Sherri has made another New Year’s resolution and is eating herself silly. What should we do?”

“Just keep me apprised of the situation, stomach control, and we’ll play it by ear.”

Enter cheesesticks.

“What the…? Did you see that? I counted at least six, no seven cheese sticks! What is she thinking?”

Enter biscuits, salad and the beginnings of dinner.

“Brain, this is stomach control again. We have a real situation. I don’t think we can take much more. We are dangerously close to maximum capacity. We may have to abort.”

“NO! No abort. The last time we did that in public was 1974. I don’t want a repeat.”

“But what should I do? I’m swimming in drawn butter.”

“Alright stomach control. You have the go ahead to release the flatulence valve. But at least make it an SBD. She can blame it on the baby.”

“Roger that.”

Enter dessert.

“Brain! We need you now more than ever. Please advise! There’s just too much food here to process. What should we do?”

“Okay, here’s what you do. Shut down equilibrium, fine motor-functioning and at a last resort cognizant thought.”

“Thank you Brain. I think we’ll make it through another year.”

I know. You may think I’m silly, but I swear that’s what happens.

And you’re wondering if I kept my resolution right? Well……no. Not on the first or second day anyway. But today is the third day and the first day back at work, so as of 9:20am….success!

___________________________________

Watchful Woodsman Update:

The Watchful Woodsman was located late Saturday evening. He was lying face down in a very dark corner under the couch. He is currently in stable condition and foul play has not been ruled out. The small Megazord has been questioned and released. You will be updated as more information becomes available.

One More Year Down

2005-12-30T08:16:00.000-05:00

Another year is about to come to a close. It seems that every year time flies by faster and faster and, of course, I have a theory on why that is.

Everyone assumes time is constant, that no matter what we are doing time is just sitting there ticking away, tick tock, tick tock, as consistent and reliable as ever. I say, “Pshaw!” on your naïve notion of time! (Well, I don’t really say ‘pshaw’, it just sounded like something I should say….Anyway….)

I believe that time is relative. It’s relative to your surroundings, what you are doing, and of course your personal point in your time. I present to you…..dum da da dum da da dum!!!! (that was supposed to be drums and fanfare – imagine confetti and streamers).....Sherri’s Theory of Relativity! Let me explain…

Ever notice how time really drags when you are doing something you hate? Or how time flies when you are having fun? (Cliché, I know).

And what about as you age? I know we have all heard ourselves say, “Gee, it seems like each year goes by faster than the last.” I am here to tell you that it does. Each year does goes by faster for each of us.

Consider your life being represented by a pie and each year is a piece. If you are three you have three big chunks, but if you are forty each year is one itty bitty slice, therefore, relative to you, each year you age makes each year smaller, therefore shorter and less monumental as the last.

See? I’m a genius! (Or quite possibly just stating the obvious.)

Regardless of my impending Nobel Prize for this monumental discovery, I hope you all have had a wonderful 2005, and if you haven’t, then here’s your opportunity for a fresh new start for 2006. Either way, I wish you all a very Happy New Year!

The Alternate Life of Christmas Toys

2005-12-27T08:38:00.000-05:00

I have always believed that toys have an alternate life when humans are not around. When the movie Toy Story came out I went, “I knew it!” I guess maybe that’s why I never liked dolls. I was always convinced that they would come to life while I was sleeping and kill me.

Due to this “alternate life” of toys I am concerned about my kids and their Christmas presents. It has to be very difficult on the toys all being thrust into a new environment at the same time. They have to struggle to develop a hierarchy of power. They have to decide who is in charge and who will police the wayward toys. In fact, I think trouble may already be brewing.

Charlie, my 3 year old, asked for two Power Rangers Megazords which, of course, he got. The large Megazord seems pretty complacent, but I am not so sure about the small one. It is always lighting up with the siren blaring and it is forever losing pieces. I am not entirely convinced that this is by accident. The small Megazord may be a bad seed reminiscent of the Chucky movies. I found Charlie lying in bed Christmas night, tossing and turning, talking in his sleep, “No Mommy! That’s not how I like the Megazord! Put it together the other way!” Scary, huh?

Then there is the case of the missing Watchful Woodsman. Matthew, my 18 month old, loves Little People. He received the Watchful Woodsman set this year. I think the small Megazord may have taken him out because he has already gone missing. I suppose when you are trying to put yourself in power you should take out your most dangerous adversaries first. And I suppose the Watchful Woodsman would qualify. I mean, he does slay dragons.

In hopes to reunite our new Christmas toy family, Charlie and I sent Rodney Copperbottom (Robots movie) in search of the woodsman, but Rodney returned without his armor and missing part of his right arm. I’m not really sure how the fight went down or who was involved, but I think small Megazord is slowly bringing toys over to the dark side.

So far, all the little people animals are accounted for. I am going to keep a close watch on them because I fear for their safety. I think the small Megazord’s bloodlust is not even close to an end. Matthew and I constructed a corral made of all the little people fences that came with multiple sets. We have placed the stomping Brontosaurus and the Red Mystic Ranger on watch. Hopefully they will be able to keep the evil at bay.

Good luck to you all with your new Christmas toys. I hope they can coexist peacefully. For now, my house is on edge. But hopefully things will settle in soon. I’ll keep you updated on the Watchful Woodsman. Keep him in your prayers.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2005-12-23T13:37:00.000-05:00

To all my friends out there in cyberspace:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

I hope you all have a very joyous holiday with those you love!

I'll see you next week.

~S

We Interupt Our Regularly Scheduled Blog....

2005-12-22T09:02:00.000-05:00

All other posts and holiday events have been preempted by:

Dum da da dum da da dum dum

Dum da da dum da da dum dum

PRESSURE!

Yes, folks. That’s right. The pukes have hit again. What is up with this? I haven’t been sick with a flu for 5 years and then twice in 2 months? So unfair!

And you know what’s better then having the pukes? Having the pukes at work. That’s right. I’m at work.

Why, you ask?

Well, that’s because of the policy that you should stay home if you’re sick but if you really follow that policy and stay home you get in trouble. Oh…the irony!

So I am going to sit here and stare mindlessly at my computer and only do work if asked. The rest of the time I am going to look busy when people are around and hold my head in my hands when I’m alone.

BUT…..

Since I don’t want to seem like too much of a whiney baby, and in the spirit of Christmas, I am going to list all the wonderful things that are happening to me today:

1.

Well, there you go! Hope you have a great day.

Puke, Poop and Coughing....Oh My!

2005-12-21T10:07:00.000-05:00

I haven’t posted in awhile and I am fully aware that I am slacking. I have been unseasonably busy at work. I thought the holidays were the time to slack. Apparently no one told my boss.

Besides my crazy work schedule I have been dealing with:

1. A pukey baby. I love him, but when they puke….not so cute. And of course he puked on the carpet the day after it was cleaned.

2. A ridiculous (eh hem…channeling Forrest Gump) “cough due to cold”. I have to continuously drink water so that I don’t get that tickle in my throat that throws me into a 10 minute coughing fit, but when the fit finally does hit I have drank so much water that I pee my pants before I can get to the bathroom. Seriously. It’s just gross. I mean who really wants to sit at work for 6 more hours with pee pee pants? Hmmmm???

3. Poop on my floor. My husband and I go to my work Christmas party (on a work night….ugh) and get home at 11:30. We are tired and ready to go to bed. So what happens? The toilet clogs. But not only does it clog, it overflows. And it wasn’t a #1 that stopped it up if you know what I mean. My husband is furiously plunging the toilet as the water quickly turns to brown and the stinky, murky, chunk-filled water starts its sickening descent onto the floor. I rush to the linen closet and pull out about 15 towels to stop the flow before it reaches the carpet. Just gross.

So that’s how my week has been. How’s yours going?

Oh….and Merry Christmas! :0)

Dear Northern Drivers

2005-12-14T09:49:00.000-05:00

It appears we have a little problem. First let me say that, yes, it’s true that I am new to the North.

(Which was so blatantly pointed out to me yesterday by the gentleman who walked up to me at the gas station as I was shivering while pumping gas, pointed to my Florida plates and said, “Sure isn’t Florida, huh?” and then proceeded to walk off delivering to anyone in a 5 mile radius a cackle that was eerily reminiscent of Vincent Price in Thriller).

And being new to the North I will not claim to know everything about driving in snow. But people…..come on! If you have lived here for more than one winter you know that it is completely ridiculous that 3 days after a snow storm for the top of your car to still be covered with 4 inches of snow.

While this may not inconvenience you, it is quite possibly an inconvenience to me. First, I sincerely love being pelted by the snow that is so happily blowing off the roof of your car providing me with my very own personal blizzard on the way to work. Did you know that when it’s 15 degrees out that even if you are lucky enough to have wiper fluid that isn’t frozen, as soon as you try to clean your windshield little ice crystals form impairing your vision even more?

And you know what I like better than the “Made for Sherri mini-blizzard”? That would be when a giant chunk of ice rockets off the top of your car, does a triple axel and then proceeds to SMASH into my windshield. I must say that the car I almost sideswiped during this fun surprise certainly enjoyed it as much as I did!

So go to Wal-mart or K-mart or wherever you shop and buy a long handled broom and clean off your damn car. Jackass.

~S

I'm Slacking....I know...

2005-12-13T10:47:00.000-05:00

I want to apologize to the 3 people who read this faithfully. I have been extremely busy with work, kids and life in general and when I finally do have time to write I am too tired to put a coherent sentence together.

I do have several stories to share with you and I promise before the week is out I will at least post one.

In the works:

- Stupid drivers and why you should have a permit to drive in the snow

- How drunken college kids are annoying

- Christmas shopping 101

Hope you are all enjoying this Christmas season.

~ S

It Seemed So Real

2005-12-08T09:14:00.000-05:00

"So how old are you? 22?"

"Um, no." I replied. "I'm a bit older."

"25?"

"No."

"Higher?" He asked in disbelief.

I nodded my head.

"28?" His voice went an octive higher.

I shook my head this time and gave him that 'aren't I cute, can you really believe I'm this old when I look so good' smile.

"30????" He cried.

As I was about to open my mouth to give an affirmative reply it hit me.....I'm NOT 30. I'm 35. Oh shit!

And then I woke up.

It was a dream. An extremely vivid dream. But it is also the truth. I am shocked when people ask me my age and I have to reply '35'.

Frustration

2005-12-07T09:14:00.000-05:00

I had one of those movie moments yesterday, and not in the good way. I guess the best way to characterize it would be as a Bridget Jones moment. You know where the likeable and plucky heroine fumbles at every turn. That was me…only noticeable less likeable and certainly not as plucky.

I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday. I had to sneak out of work early to get there on time. I ran up to the door with 5 minutes to spare feeling pretty good that I actually made it on time through rush hour traffic. I reached down to turn the handle and it didn't move. Huh?

I looked through the window and saw a woman typing at her computer.

Knock. Knock. I have an appointment.

She gave me the “one minute” finger and came to the door.

This office is closed. Your appointment is at our office at the hospital.

Now I NEVER make appointments at their office at the hospital. You have to pay for parking and walk about a half a mile to get there.

After much maneuvering and negotiating I got her to agree to talk to the doctor about squeezing me in to her completely booked schedule sometime in the next 3 months.

Great.

Off to the mall, shopping I must go. Did I mention that I hate shopping?

Part of my problem is I always know exactly what I want which is sometimes worse than having no clue as to what you want. When you don’t know what you want you can browse and when something catches your eye you’re usually happy with your find. When you know exactly what you want they either have it or don’t.

I wanted either a gold or red sweater made of a heavy smooth fabric with a large, loose turtleneck and glitter specks. I know, a little too precise. But I would have taken something close.

There was nothing. NOTHING!

Well, nothing if you consider nothing consisting of holiday dresses that are so beaded I would need two other people to help me stay upright, tops with enough sequins to reflect moonlight into daylight, or hideous knit creations that even my grandma would have laughed at.

So I moved on to the next store. And the next. And the next.

Finally my feet were hurting so I sat down in the food court for some pizza. The pizza was pretty good. I started to feel a little better.

Okay, Sherri, you’ll be fine. I’m sure there’ll be something at the next store.

And just as I was feeling better I bit my lip.

Actually, I mauled my lip. I bit into it so deeply that blood was spurting out.

I trudged over to the next store, still fighting my frustrations from the day. I walked around aimlessly from rack to rack passing the same items two and three times. I was tired, I was cranky….I….I saw a sweater.

Not a holiday sweater, but one that I REALLY liked nonetheless.

Okay, I’m going to try it on. At least I’ll get one thing I like and salvage the night.

I tried on the sweater and it was at the borderline between really awesome and I wouldn’t be caught dead leaving the house in it. Do you know what I mean? It’s a decision that you can’t make on your own. You MUST have a girlfriend with you to give you feedback. I thought about asking a stranger, but figured they’d just lie to me.

As I took the sweater off, I realized that my black pants were covered with fuzz. And ladies, it was the kind of fuzz that you can’t wipe off. I was completely coated.

I threw my coat on over my now fuzz covered pants and decided I was going to leave the mall. As I was driving home I gave myself a pep talk.

It’s not that bad. You’re just frustrated from the day. Things will get better.

I decided I would hit one more store on the way home. I went in looked around, saw nothing and decided that I would just go home. I walked out to my car and as I opened the door I heard a pinging sound on the ground.

I looked down and there lying in the slush left from the melting snow was a button. A button off my coat to be precise. At that moment all the energy drained from me. The button on the ground just symbolized all the unfortunate events of my day.

I picked up the button and put it in my pocket and drove home.

So far.....

2005-12-06T13:27:00.000-05:00

I have already dealt with today:

1. Traveling to work in the snow, while not such an unbelievable feat, is made more difficult by morons who can't seem to grasp the concept. I'm from Florida people, if I can do it so can you!

2. Gas related pain due to a banana....who knew?

3. A phone call from a terminated worker who, even though he was caught smoking pot, feels he was termed unfairly and his ex-boss should watch out or someone "might slit his throat."

4. An insurance company who terms my employees for no reason with no notice and when I ask them why they did it they can't give me a reason.

5. Frantic phone calls from people who want to make their problem my emergency. Sorry people...if you could have avoided it and it is happening to you because of your own stupidity...not my problem.

6. The dread of having to go to "THE" doctor today....UGH!

7. Bad Christmas music. Need I say more?

Old

2005-12-06T08:30:00.000-05:00

I really don’t know what the deal is. I used to not have to worry about things like this, but I realize the older I get the more my body is just falling apart.

I have so many gray hairs I truly can’t keep up with the hair color.

I am sitting here right now in pain because I ate a banana. A freakin’ banana! And don’t think gallbladder you all-knowing ladies, cause I already had that removed.

UGH! Aging sucks. Why can’t we just get to a fully grown point and just stop there? Why do we have to reach a peak and then decline?

You spend your whole young life waiting to grow up and as soon as you are there…Bam! The jokes on you, you get old.

I can’t eat Mexican, Chinese or anything fried without pain. I drink wine I get heartburn. And let’s not even talk about other….um….lower functions. I just don’t think I can handle potty humor today.

And what’s with back pain and creaking joints?

So I trudged out to the car through the snow today, bundled up in my coat, scarf and gloves and dragged my old ass to work, feeling gassy and bloated because I ate a banana.

How are you?

Some Jobs Just Suck

2005-12-02T08:37:00.000-05:00

Some jobs just have to suck, don’t they?

I have had my share of crappy jobs to be sure. And I am lucky enough to currently have a job that I actually like and it even pays enough to cover my bills, so I am not personally complaining (A first, I know.)

I am complaining for those less fortunate. For those individuals who when they took their jobs at a toll booth or a drive-thru thought, “Wow, this is gonna be great!” Only to eventually face the sad reality that their jobs suck.

The Pennsylvania Turnpike.

You know I had to bring it up, didn’t you? How must it suck to work in a toll booth? It’s cold in the winter and hot in the summer, you have to smell car exhaust and listen to the hum of traffic all day, and you have to deal with annoying people who (gasp) want change.

I know, I know. You work in a toll booth. The word toll is actually defined as a “fee”, which in turn means you have to take money. You should definitely be angry and show how inconvenienced you are when I ask you to count 6 quarters. The nerve of the motorist who actually returns the change you have given out in order to pay their toll.

Please look at me with disgust and shake your head as your shoulders heave with the big sigh you are expelling. I know your job sucks, its okay. You are entitled. I am truly a nuisance, cutting into your newspaper reading and abduction plotting time. I apologize.

Drive-thrus.

Yes, the infamous drive-thru. A necessary evil of our fast-paced life. Joe Pesci was certainly right when he stated the obvious fact, “They f*ck you in the drive-thru.” It is truly a time to be ever vigilant and on your guard.

I was lucky enough to visit Arby’s three nights ago.

“May I take your order?”

“Yes. I’ll have a number 1 and 2, both with curly fries and root beer, two kids chicken finger meals with curly fries and milk and an order of potato cakes.”

“That was a number 1 with a coke?”

“Um no. It was a number 1 and 2, both with curly fries and root beer, two kids chicken finger meals with curly fries and milk and an order of potato cakes.”

“So a number 1 and 2, a kids meal and a milk?”

I just drove around to the window. I figured we should just take care of this face to face.

I pull up and the window is open. A girl is starting at me and the guy I was talking to has his back to me. The guy says, “I can’t get this f*cking order. This stupid woman can figure out what she wants.”

Moi???

The girls eyes get really wide.

“Um…I think she’s right there,” the girl points at me.

The guy slowly turns around. His face turns red and he looks at me sheepishly.

“Hi, uh, sorry. What did you want again?”

I couldn’t even be mad. If I worked in a drive-thru I would probably hate all my customers too. Especially those minivan driving moms. Oh, aren’t they annoying!

I suppose they could have it worse....they could all be working at Wal-Mart.

Word Verification

2005-12-01T13:06:00.000-05:00

Is it just me or has the word verification feature on blogger gotten a little ridiculous?

I think my last word verification entry looked a little something like this:

WTF???

(You get 5 points if you can decipher....discuss among yourselves.)

Imposter

2005-11-30T19:49:00.000-05:00

I always feel like I'm a little kid masquerading in a grown-up's body. I suppose it stems back to when I was a child and I thought my parents knew everything. I thought that once you reached a certain age the mysteries of the universe would magically be revealed to you. If I had known how little they really knew I'm sure I would have been very afraid.

I realize, at 35, that I don't know jack. Seriously. There are days when I go, "Ohhh....so that's how you_______________." Fill in the blank with whatever you like. There is just so much that I don't know.

I think this feeling of being an imposter is most prevalent at work. I tend to feel like a little kid even though I know I am a confident and effective professional. It's funny to think that my first professional aspiration as a child was to be a genetic engineer. I had visions of working in a lab, dipping pipets into test tubes, looking into microscopes and curing disease.

MUWWAAHHHAAAHHHAAAAAA.

*Sigh. Deep Breath. Wipe Tear*

MUWWAAHHHAAAHHHAAAAAA.

Okay. Okay. I'm over my hysterical laughter.

Eventually I settled on psychology. This is how my years as a counselor went:

"I feel so alone," my client would lament. "It's like no one ever listens to me."

Gee, I wonder what's on TV tonight. Oh Shit. What we're they saying?

I finally found my attention span and I think I actually helped a few people, but I am still amazed that I got paid for what I did. Could you imagine if I was a doctor?

"Doctor, I hurt all over. What is wrong with me?" my patient asks.

"Well, I would say you have a bad case of Moh Rahn's Disease."

"OH NO! Is it serious?"

"No. You're just a moron!" HAHAHAHAHAHA.

See. I'm an imposter. A fake. Just a big kid in an adult's body.

And then there's the whole matter of me being a parent. I'm the authority now. I'm the adult with all the answers who supposedly knows all.

Crap. Guess I'll have to fake my way through that one too.

Random Thoughts

2005-11-29T09:08:00.000-05:00

I feel like I don't have anything to say today yet I am compelled to write. Well, at least nothing that would qualify as a story or anecdote or at the very least, interesting. Instead I will regale you with the random thoughts that pop out of my head.

I want to buy Christmas presents for people I don't know. Do you ever do that? I think sometimes, "Ohhh....I should buy that for Mopey Chick, she'd love that plush Darth Vader M & M guy!" But I don't really know Mopey Chick. So it might be weird. I do that for my imaginary internet friends and sometimes celebritites too. I also imagine what I would buy for my family if money were no object. How about a private Rolling Stones conert, Lala???

When I drive to work on the Northeast extension sometimes I just want to scrape my car along the cement wall that seperates the North and Southbound lanes. I don't really want to mess up my car, I just want to see what will happen. I suppose I would probably end up dying in a fiery wreck, so I guess I'll just leave that to my imagination.

I wear high heels to work everyday. I hate heels. I don't know why I wear them. Probably because I feel like all other types of shoes make me look like a dumpy schoolmarm. My legs hurt. I will probably have vericose veins when I am old.

I have tons of ideas about things to write about at night, but I'm too lazy and/or too tired to get up and write. I would get a tape recorder to quickly capture my thoughts but I'm afraid my husband will think I'm nuts. Sometimes I don't think he really gets my creative side.

I like to dance when I am alone in my house. I just jump around like I'm spastic and retarded. I suppose this would be good exercise if I could actually keep it up for more than a few minutes, but I am really out of shape. Sometimes I think I should tape myself because it's probably hysterical, but I am scared that it might be just plain sad.

I am stopped at every turn by my lack of money. I don't mean to say that I am unhappy or ungrateful for what I have, I just mean that there are basic things I want to do, but I can't because money is so tight. For example, I want to paint my bedroom, but I have to wait until my next payday to buy the paint. Paint's not that expensive, but the money we have currently is budgeted for groceries and bills. I hate being on a budget. I don't need to be rich, I just want to be able to go to the store and buy the few things I want when I want them.

I guess that's all for now. I know this post was a jumbled mess. I will try to be more organized for you tomorrow.

Holiday Shopping and Serial Killer Update

2005-11-25T08:50:00.000-05:00

I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving. I have an announcement.......

My Christmas shopping is DONE!!!

That's right. Finished. MWWAAAAHHHAAAAHAWHAWHHHAAAAA!!!!!

It is such a relief.

I know. You are thinking, so early? How did you do it? I just figured out what I wanted for everyone before I left the house and did a grab and run at the store.

Did I mention that I hate, HATE, Christmas shopping? I hate it.

I hate the commercialism, the music, the decorations, the PEOPLE, the pushing and shoving, the parking lots, and the frustration. Hate it.

So, I always try to finish before Thanksgiving so that I can miss the holiday rush. My husband's aunt called last night to ask what to get my boys. She then mentioned that she had to be at Best Buy by 3am. Now I don't know what she's saving by getting there that early, but I would probably pay that amount to NOT have to get there at 3am. I just don't get it.

I also hate the advertisers. You know, those sadistic people who advertise these awesome children's toys, your kid then begs for it, and you agree only to find out that they have really advertised four separate toys that cost about $50.00 each. UGH.

My shopping is done, my tree is up....all I have to do is wrap the presents and Christmas can just come on. I'm ready.

________________________________________

Serial Killer Update....

The Toll Booth Serial Killer has been down graded to "Creepy Toll Booth Guy". This occurred early Friday morning.

He was in my lane and as usual and said, "It's great to see you. You look fabulous today."

Instead of freezing in terror as I usually do, I said, "Do you say that to everyone?"

As I said this I noticed, for the first time, a wedding ring. He's married!

"No," he replied. "I only say that to the pretty girls like you."

Okay. So maybe not serial killer material, but definitely creepy. And I wish I could see what his wife looks like.

Ghost

2005-11-22T16:11:00.000-05:00

I saw a ghost.

I don’t really expect anyone to believe me. I didn’t believe my eyes at first. But I did.

I am ever the skeptic. I tend to look for a scientific reason when things happen. While I do believe in God unquestionably, I tend to look at creation in a more “intelligent design” way. I think that God had a hand in the natural evolution of the world that we live in today.

I suppose it is this belief in God and my faith in the unseen that will let me accept, in my critical mind, that I saw a ghost. It’s funny, when you tell someone this, they tend to think you are a little crazy.

If you believe in heaven and hell, and you believe in angels and demons, why can’t ghosts walk the Earth? And if you believe ghosts are real, why can’t you believe that you can see one for yourself?

I guess because we like to believe that these things are out there, but they aren’t REALLY real. They are more like ideas. Not facts.

Oh, that house has a ghost in it? Cool.

Oh, there is a ghost standing in front of me? WTF!

I was driving home from work on Friday. I was around 5:30 and already completely dark this time of year. It was about 35 degrees outside. I was driving up the Northeast extension of the turnpike. A police car raced past me, lights flashing and siren blaring. The traffic slowed down to between 5 and 10 miles an hour.

It had been a long week. All I wanted to do was get home. I was tired and knew that I had to get the house picked up before our friends came over for dinner. I glanced at the side of the road for some reason, and out of the corner of my eye I saw something.

I looked more closely and there was a man walking toward the highway. He had sandy blonde hair and was wearing a yellow short-sleeved t-shirt and dark blue jeans, definitely not weather appropriate. Before I could think about how odd it was that he was there he vanished. He was just GONE.

My first thought was that I didn’t really see it. I must have thought I saw it. But I couldn’t think of any way to reason that it was something else.

I saw a man and then he just…..vanished.

I immediately felt a chill and goosebumps covered my body. I was sufficiently creeped out to say the least. I have heard that you can physically feel a ghost. I didn’t want to take any chances so I shouted, “Get out of my car!” and then I prayed.

If someone could have seen me I probably looked like a deranged schizophrenic, but I didn’t care. I guess because of my religious beliefs I don’t believe that ghosts are the Casper, fun-loving type. I’m more in the school of thought of ghosts being the Exorcist/Amityville Horror type. I’m pretty sure that a house would only have to say, “Get out!” to me one time and I’d say, “Oh, you want me to leave? Well, let me just get my purse and the place is all yours.” There wouldn’t be any hanging around on my part.

When I drove home yesterday I got a little agitated as I came to the spot where I saw the ghost. I really didn’t want to see it again. And I didn’t.

So I guess this is where the story ends. I’ll keep you posted.

NEW LINK!!!!

2005-11-18T15:42:00.000-05:00

Attention all!

I have posted a new link to Word Nerd. Go read her blog. It is wickedly acidic with it's view of everyday humor and frustration. You'll love it!

How Far to Hell?

2005-11-18T09:56:00.000-05:00

I have uttered the phrase “I’m in hell” or “This is hell” many times, but never did it seem more appropriate than when my husband and I were moving to Pennsylvania.

It has been almost two years since we drove from Mississippi to Pennsylvania. It took us three days to get there, mainly because I was 7 months pregnant and couldn’t drive for very long.

My husband was driving his truck and towing a U-haul trailer. Because of this, we decided we would forgo the shorter mountainous route and would travel East until we reached I-95 and then go North to our new home.

I was driving our van with our then two year old in the back and my ever-growing belly in front of me. To explain how difficult this was for me I must bore you with a few pregnancy details. I am NOT a good pregnant person. I tend to have many complications ranging from pre-eclampsia to gestational diabetes. When I drove my feet would swell and I would have unbelievably painful leg cramps.

We decided that we would only drive six hours a day for three days to make the trip easier on me, three hours in the morning and three hours in the evening. We would stop early, have a nice dinner and retire to a comfortable hotel. Even with all this planning the trip was miserable and painful.

As in the beginning of every long trip, when I pulled out of my mother’s driveway in Mississippi I set the trip odometer in my van. I like to gauge how far I’ve gone and how far I have left to go by it.

Sometime during the second day of our trip I was quickly fading. I knew I had to continue driving but I didn’t want to. My husband and I were using walkie talkies to communicate with each other because we weren’t getting new cell phones until we got to Pennsylvania.

“Honey, I am so tired,” I complained.

“I know you are, but you have to just keep going. We will stop soon, okay?” my husband asked.

“Okay. I can do it.”

So keep going I did, but not with out some serious mental complaining, and cursing, and asking God, WHY???

About that time we took a detour through a quiet country road. We were somewhere in either North Carolina or Virginia. The road was very windy and had a deep gully on the left side and a very high hill to the right. As we rounded a bend I noticed an old gas station in the gully. The paint was peeling and the walls looked as if a strong wind would knock them down. I then noticed the old sign. It had been a Shell gas station but the “S” was gone and the sign, towering high about the old station in big red letters read, “HELL”. For some reason I then looked down at my trip odometer and the mileage read 666. I shit you not. I walkie talkied my husband.

“Honey, apparently I am in hell,” I said.

“Complaining again?” he asked.

When I explained the details of my comment he didn’t believe me.

“Your odometer is NOT 666,” he said.

“It is. I swear! I was so freaked out I started praying,” I exclaimed.

True story.

(So mom, if you are reading this, just FYI – it is exactly 666 miles from your house to HELL.)

Annoyed

2005-11-17T15:53:00.000-05:00

I am annoyed. ANNOYED I tell you! Why? Why you so boldly ask? Well, I'll tell you.

Why do I only make $2000 a year more than my boss's driver? I mean what exactly are the qualifications and training? I imagine the interview:

"So, it says here that you've had a motor vehicle operator's license since you were 16. Impressive. Most of our employees don't finish their formal training until they have finished college well into their 20's."

"Oh yes. I had my permit at 15, and of course my uncle Vinnie let me drive his car on some backroads when I was just 13."

"13! My you are a go-getter! And I see here that you have been opening doors for nearly your entire life. Stellar."

"Not only can I open doors, sir, I can do so with BOTH hands."

"An ambidextrous door opener! My! Isn't that capital! I must have you as my driver. You must start immediately!"

"Don't you want to hear about my errand running abilities?"

I mean come on people! I know the man is a professional. I understand that he deserves fair compensation. But I have a FREAKIN' MASTER'S DEGREE and I do essentially TWO jobs and am paid for ONE!

WTF???!!!

Stupidity

2005-11-17T09:43:00.000-05:00

I am constantly amazed at the stupidity of people and what is considered “acceptable” in the workplace. I’m going to provide two examples for your reading enjoyment.

1. I received an insurance application sent from another office. By the time these particular items get to me they have already been reviewed and approved. I received an insurance application with the name Samuel L. Jackson on it. I suppose there could be an individual other than the actor Samuel L. Jackson with that name. But not only does the actor not work for us, no one with that name does either. Here’s what I received:

~~Samuel L. Jackson~~ Mark Brown

So I guess Mark Brown thought it would be funny to pretend he was Samuel L. Jackson? And I guess the office in Florida thought that he didn’t need to fill out another form?

Just stupid.

2. I have to terminate insurance for employees when they leave. If I don't find out that they left from the division then we continue to pay for individuals that don't work for us. Probably not a good money saving practice.

I pay the bill and then send invoices to our different divisions in the amount that they owe to pay the corporate office back. I received a phone call yesterday.

“Hi Sherri. You billed me for John Brown in October for insurance. He was terminated in September.”

“I was unaware that he was terminated. You didn’t notify me.”

“I have to notify you?”

“Yes. If you don’t notify me that someone in Florida has been terminated, I, in Pennsylvania, have no way of knowing this.”

“Oh. I just thought you knew.”

What was I thinking?! Of course I should have known! Let me just lug my crystal ball out of my purse. Sorry boss, I can’t help you right now. I’m consulting my crystal ball to see who was terminated in Florida last week.

Stupid.

So, I in my glass house have to deal with these stupid people. Because you know I never make mistakes or do stupid things.

Sincerely,

~~Angelina Jolie~~ Sherri

Playing Well

2005-11-16T16:14:00.000-05:00

I had to “play well” at work today. By this, I mean that I had to pretend I wasn’t sick. I know…..strange, right? We are so used to pretending to be sick to get a day off? Who has to play well? Well, I do, because my boss is a germaphobe reminiscent of Niles Crane ala Frasier.

I came to work feeling pretty bad but knowing if I didn’t I would be too overwhelmed tomorrow to get anything done. I still have not caught up since my pseudovacation in October. I don’t know why it is, but if I have a little work, a little gets done. If I have a lot of work, a lot gets done. If I have an overwhelmingly impossible amount of work, I freeze and NOTHING gets done. I will actually sit and stare at the work, not knowing where to start until I spend about four hours triaging paperwork into must do, need to do and can wait until hell freezes over piles. I want to avoid this at all costs.

That is why I came in sick today. Because yesterday my boss sent me home. Don’t worry, he was nice about it. I left at 1pm. I decided that I felt like crap and was too hungry to drive the 40 minutes home on the interstate, so I was going to pick up some food beforehand and eat it on the way home. Did you know that you can literally drive for hours in any one direction in Pennsylvania and not find a fast food restaurant? It’s true.

I drove for about 20 minutes and didn’t find a drive-thru so I turned around and went in another direction. I just kept doing this, driving and turning around, refusing to get on the interstate and go home where I knew where the fast food restaurants are. It became my stubborn mission. I know you are probably saying, you don’t know where the fast food restaurants are by your work? No. No I don’t. Sue me.

Anyway, I finally found a Burger King, got some food, and drove home. I got there at 3:30. Still feeling crappy.

So I sat around watched 3 hours of some stupid bat cartoon with my son to keep him quiet because I just didn’t have the energy to chase him around. Then this morning came the decision. Go to work? Stay home? I knew I needed to go to work. I have always been trained to go to work, sick or not. So I came to work.

“How are you, Sherri?” my boss asked.

“I feel much better, thank you,” I replied as I stifled a cough.

Do you know how hard it is not to sniff in front of someone when you can feel mucus sliding down your face? It’s really horrible.

So anyway, the day is almost over. I am going to go home and collapse. My poor kids are going to get whatever frozen treat I microwave for them again tonight. I guess I’ll make up for it with vitamins and milk. Milk’s the perfect food, right?

So anyway, tomorrow I promise I will have something to write about other than vomit, throw up or being sick!

_________________________________

On a different note: Did you know that Dentyne has “Vanilla Ice” gum? What’s sad is I actually bought it and then realized I had bought something with “Vanilla Ice” on it.

"But mine’s different," he said. "It goes dum da da dum da da DA dum."

Throw Up

2005-11-14T19:35:00.000-05:00

I know throw up probably isn't a great title for a post. It might make the reader a little wary of what is to follow. But that's what this post is about....throw up.

I did end up getting sicker following my last post. I in fact threw up for about 24 hours beginning in the wee hours of Sunday morning all the way through late Sunday night. I HATE throwing up.

My 3 year old, Charlie, can make himself throw up at will. After Charlie had been sick on Thursday, his baby brother began throwing up on Saturday. Not to be outdone, Charlie decided that he had to throw up too. My husband thought he was joking and held out a bowl that he had in the living room for the baby. Charlie leaned forward and out shot every bit of his supper.

I've never understood throwing up at will. Bulimics....I just don't get it. I mean, I can understand wanting to be thin, but I will do ANYTHING to avoid throwing up if I can.

I remember this one time that I was very sick. It was about a week before Christmas and my mom wanted to take my sister and me out to look at Christmas lights. I had eaten a Totino's pepperoni pizza for dinner. You know the frozen ones with the little square pieces of pepperoni on them? I think I was about 9 or 10.

We got in my mom's station wagon and rode into town. I can still remember the song on the radio. It was Queen...."Pressure, pressing down on you, pressing down on me....Do dum dum day...de day dum..."

Even at my young age I can remember thinking, "How appropriate. I'm about to hurl and this damn song is mocking me." Luckily I made it home, but I still had a long night of being sick in front of me. Remember those little square pieces of pepperoni???

As I hovered over a bucket that I had placed beside my bed, some 25 years later, I still heard that song in my head....dum da da dum da da dum dum...PRESSURE!

After all that, thankfully, I am beginning to feel better. I will brave the office tomorrow. I think this was the first full day of work I have missed in about 2 years.

But I did lose 5 pounds....I guess those bulimics know what they're doing after all.

Sick

2005-11-11T10:41:00.000-05:00

There is truly nothing worse than having a sick child with the exception of having a sick child in your car, when you can’t stop because you are in heavy traffic, and they just keep getting sick, again and again, over and over, all over themselves, and you can’t stop, and you are still 45 minutes from home.

I picked the boys up from school yesterday. I arrived as usual, with one minute to spare sprinting up the front steps. I ran to the computer at the desk, the girl behind it shouting, “Hurry, hurry!” I clocked the kids out with seconds to spare. If you are late you get charged.

“I just wanted to let you know that Charlie threw up right before you got here. I don’t think he’s sick. He probably just ran around too much and got overheated,” the girl at the front desk tells me.

Charlie has been known to do that, sometimes he just throws up if he’s playing to hard and he tends to get car sick if he plays with toys in the car, so I wasn’t too worried.

“How are you feeling, Charlie?” I asked as I buckled him into his car seat.

“I’m okay, Mommy. I got sick at school.”

“I know baby. I love you.”

“I love you too, Mommy.”

So off we go on our way home. I call my husband to let him know we are on our way and discuss dinner. I tell him about Charlie and just about the time we are determining that he is probably not sick he throws up again.

“Uh oh. He’s getting sick again. I gotta go.” I tell my husband.

At the next stop light I turn on the light in the van and look back at Charlie. Shit. He is COVERED in puke. It is all over him. It’s dripping down his chin, on his clothes and all over the car seat.

“I don’t feel good, Mommy. You have to get home real fast okay?” he says.

It is just so sad and pathetic. Why is it kids are sweetest when they are sick?

“Okay baby. You just sit tight. Mommy will get you home as fast as she can.”

I had to open and close the window the entire way home. The smell was horrible, but it was cold outside and I didn’t want to freeze the kids. I almost got sick myself a few times.

A little closer to home I called my husband.

“How’s Charlie doing?” he asked.

“Let's put it this way.....I’m gonna call you when we pull into our neighborhood. I want you to meet me at the car with a towel and a bucket.”

"Um...okay...." he replies.

When we get home Charlie goes straight to the bathtub. Poor baby. He was sick all night, but seems to be doing better today.

Now it's my turn. I don't feel so good......

Bleach Humidifier and Serial Killer Update

2005-11-10T08:32:00.000-05:00

I meant to post about this last week, but I got sidetracked.

One night last week I went upstairs to bed and thought, “Wow, my husband must have done a load of laundry.” The bleach smell was unbelievably strong. Then I walked into our room…..

Immediately my sinuses began to burn and my eyes began to water. What the hell was it?

My husband came upstairs and I asked him, “Why do I smell bleach so strongly?”

“Oh. I put bleach water in the humidifier to clean it.” It had been running for about an hour.

Now I don’t know if that is the way you are supposed to clean a humidifier, but I think expelling noxious gases into a closed room that you are about to sleep in is probably not a good idea.

“Oh God! I think I’m going to die,” I cough out.

“You’re not going to die.”

“Seriously, honey,” I plead. “You have got to do something about these fumes. I don’t want to die in my sleep.” I know, I’m a little dramatic.

“Okay, fine. I’ll open a window.”

So that is how we ended up sleeping with our windows open in 30 degree weather.

So how do you clean a humidifier? Cause if that’s the way, it is just stupid.

____________________________

Toll Booth Serial Killer Update:

Going through the toll booth today, I see him. That damn tan ball cap gives him away every time.

“Oh, I’m so glad to see you this morning. You look beautiful as always,” he says.

Shit. He is actually starting to remember me! It’s only a matter of days now until I disappear, I just know it.

“Um, thanks,” I reply and drive away.

Another opportunity wasted…..

Wilma Strikes Again

2005-11-08T16:38:00.000-05:00

I just found out from one of my oldest friends that my childhood church in Lake Worth, Florida, Our Savior Lutheran, was destroyed by hurricane Wilma. My first inclination was to cry. I thought this was a little odd. I haven’t gone to that church for over 20 years, and I can’t even remember the last time it crossed my mind. But I am truly sad for the loss of something that held so many memories.

I was raised Lutheran. My father insisted on this. My mother is Catholic. I’m sure my father ranted and raved, as was his way, until my mother gave in. It was usually easier to accept defeat with my father then try to fight a losing battle.

This was one of the few places I can remember us going as a family, although I’m sure my father was absent more than he was present, my parents divorcing when I was four years old.

I attended the private school that was attached to the church. I started when I was only 3 in the Jr. Kindergarten program. I went to this school until I was 9 years old. I made some friends that I still keep in touch with.

I can remember sitting in chapel on Wednesdays. The pastor yelling as us because “The Lord’s Prayer is NOT a race children!” And how many Christmas pageants was I a donkey/shepherd/choir member/angel? (Never did get to be Mary).

The church had stain glass windows all the way around depicting passages from the bible. It was especially beautiful on a sunny day when sunlight would splash a rainbow of colors onto the floor. In later years they added an enormous pipe organ. I didn’t like it. I preferred the music the way it was before….simple.

I think that the church probably wasn’t as big as I remember, but to my child’s mind it was a cathedral. It was grand and regal.

I hope that it gets rebuilt.

_______________________________________

Now on a side note – tell me what you think about this:

My childhood church - destroyed by hurricane Wilma

My hometown - ravaged by hurricane Wilma

Cancun, my vacation destination – hit by hurricane Wilma (old Wilma gets around, huh?)

Dominican Republic, my alternate vacation destination – hit by a Tropical Storm

Paris, my alternate, alternate vacation destination – riots

Mississippi Gulf Coast, my last home – destroyed by hurricane Katrina

Meridian, Mississippi, where my family lives – Category One hurricane (Katrina) hits (this NEVER happens, by the way).

This ALL happens in a span of 2 months.

So…..is someone trying to tell me something?

Sightings

2005-11-08T10:10:00.000-05:00

I have seen the Toll Booth Serial Killer twice since I last reported on him. I saw him once last week. He said, "My you look beautiful today." I mumbled something and drove off head down.

I promised myself the next time I saw him I would stand defiant. I will not accept your compliments serial killer! I know your true intent. I would be strong. Tell him how he is inappropriate.

Here is how I imagined the conversation:

I pull up to the toll booth looking him straight in the eye. I am not afraid.

"Good Morning," he says. "You look very beautiful."

"I don't really think it's appropriate for you to say things like that to me. It makes me uncomfortable," I reply.

He looks taken aback. Of all the women he has complimented, no one has ever stood up to him!

"Oh, I was just trying to be nice."

"No you weren't!" I demand. "You are just using these compliments as a precursor to kidnapping me and locking me in your basement. Don't lie you freak!" I scream.

A myriad of emotions wash over his unshaven face. He knows he's had.

"You think you're so smart don't you?" he asks. "You think you can blow my cover? I'll just move to another toll location on the turnpike."

"Fine!" I shout.

"Fine!" he replies.

I drive off, head held high, saving the day for all the female commuters who travel through the Norristown exit.

Ha ha!

Here is what really happened when I saw him again:

I pull up to the toll booth and realize it's him. Oh shit I think. I look down as I stick my hand out the window with the change.

"Good Morning," he says. "You look very beautiful."

I mumble "uh huh" and drive off.

Aren't I the superhero?

Damn, foiled again.

Disorder

2005-11-07T08:53:00.000-05:00

I have diagnosed myself with a serious disorder. I can’t go to a doctor for it because it isn’t widely recognized in the medical field. I am sad to report that I have:

Bipolar Cleaning Disorder.

I know, I know. You are shocked and appalled. It true, folks. I have this terrible disorder. I’ll explain how it manifests itself.

First, you hate to clean. I mean you really HATE to clean. Example:

You must vacuum your house. You sit on the couch and look at the closet where the evil device, the vacuum, lurks. Here are your thoughts:

I don’t want to vacuum. I hate to vacuum. This sucks. To vacuum I have to get up, go to the closet, open the door, pull the vacuum out, unwrap the cord, plug it in, push the stupid vacuum all over the house, unplug it, wind up the cord and put it back in the closet. I can’t do it. I just can’t. It’s too much. I hate the vacuum. It was invented to taunt and torment me. Why can’t I just get a maid?

All this time you could have been vacuuming and it would have been done. But you can’t. You are motionless, frozen by the downswing in your Bipolar Cleaning Disorder. And this doesn’t just manifest itself with vacuuming. It can happen with dusting, laundry, and the most feared of all…..bathrooms.

Then, when you just can’t take it anymore something comes over you. All of a sudden you are frantic. You MUST clean. You start in the kitchen. You can’t wipe the counters fast enough. You vacuum, in a frenzy. Rags are flying, cleaner spraying on every surface. Nothing is safe. Family dog, get out of the way or you will soon be in the bathtub. You have catapulted from the depths of cleaning procrastination to the height of a manic cleaning episode.

While this may sound good, it’s not. You may be thinking, but you are getting your cleaning done, what’s the problem? The problem is, along with this manic cleaning phase, you develop cleaning ADD. You can’t finish any one project. You flit around the house, dishwasher open and half empty, toilet brush sitting in a half scrubbed toilet, while you dust the TV all you can think is - I need to put the laundry in the dryer.

Please, please….if you recognize yourself, get help. I am working with a therapist to get on a productive cleaning schedule. Remember folks, one day at a time. Together we can have clean houses while maintaining a happy, balanced life. I know it can be done.

Signs of the Apocalypse

2005-11-04T14:09:00.000-05:00

Some thought 9/11 was a sign. Then there was the tsunami. And of course Katrina is fresh in everyone's mind. I on the other hand know that end times are coming because of this man:

I just found out, to my dismay, that Kevin Federline is cutting a rap album (that is the industry term, right?). I mean, wasn't it bad enough that this man was allowed to breed?

Seriously, here are a few excerpts from one of his songs:

"Back then they called me K-Fed/ But you can call me Daddy instead"

Yeah, I'm not calling you anything but, "Ewwww...."

"Well maybe, baby, you can wait and see/ Until then all these Pavarottis following me"

Huh? You have large opera singers following you? Why?

"My prediction is that y'all gonna hate on the style we create, straight 2008"

Um....we already hate you Kevin. Really.

Here's the thing. Just because you're married to Britney Spears doesn't make you a celebrity. I know you had that crapotic show or whatever it was. But you're not a star. Please, please go and take a bath, shave, and take an English course. You don't speak it well.

And get a job, ya loser.

The Sherri Show

2005-11-04T08:39:00.000-05:00

I’m not really into reality shows. Usually I just think they’re stupid. But I have to say, I think my life would be a great one. There is one condition….my thoughts would have to be a continuous voiceover. That’s the only way it would be truly funny. Here’s an example:

Yesterday a man came to my office to drop off a membership application for my boss’s country club. He wanted my boss to sponsor him. The receptionist called up and said that he was there and wanted to make copies and could I come down and help him.

Shit. I had NO time. I was working with the safety director discussing a new database that I was going to create for him, because I.T. is certainly part of my job function, right? (*please note sarcasm).

Anyway, I wasn’t sure if this guy was actually a personal friend of my boss or not and he wasn’t in the office to ask so I figured I should err on the side of safety.

I get downstairs and the guy is just weird. I can tell from looking at him. He has on khakis that are too short, loafers, a plaid button down shirt and a sweater vest. He has glasses, greasy dark hair and a GIANT angry red zit on his neck.

“Sherri?” he says.

“Yes, hello. Is there something I can help you with.”

Eww….he’s so gross. He kind of smells too.

“I need to make some copies if that’s ok.” He holds out an inch thick book.

Damn. I don’t have time for this shit. I don’t wanna. Don’t wanna!

“Sure. Follow me to the copy room.”

We walk over to the copy room. It’s one that is downstairs that I never use and I didn't realize that the door automatically closes or I would have never gone there with him. There’s no way to hold it open. Shit. I don't want to offend him by leaving in case he's friends with my boss. I’m closed up in a small little copy room with this creep.

Oh God! This is so gross. Please don’t let him touch me. I know I’ll cringe and quite possibly scream.

“What do you need to copy?” I ask.

“Oh, just a few pages out of this book. I had some artwork that was damaged and I need to send these copies to my lawyer”, he replies.

“Okay.”

He proceeds to try to copy some pages out of the book. It’s cumbersome to do, so he is holding the book on the copier, pressing the spine down so that it copies accurately, while I push the button for him. I had to stand way to close to him.

This so totally sucks. Hurry the F up, mister. Boring. Boring. This is so boring. Oh I hate this. I hate him. I hate copy machines. I have so much work to do. Why am I helping this man?

I look down and then I notice the artwork in the book.

Holy Shit! Is that chick naked? And what is she doing with her hand?! OHMIGOD!

All the pictures were like that. I was shut up on the copy room with this weirdo while he made copies of some creepy soft porn artwork.

Gross, but quite possibly, funny.

So Where Do I Pick Up My Check???

2005-11-03T15:05:00.000-05:00

I ran across this on someone else's site. So I did what they said and tada!....I'm $10,161.72 richer. But how do I get my check?

My blog is worth $10,161.72.
How much is your blog worth?

Voice Mail

2005-11-02T08:36:00.000-05:00

Last Sunday I got a strange message on my cell phone voice mail. There was a lot of static and it was difficult to make out all of it, but here is what I heard:

“Stop mess….with my man or I’ll fu…..uh…your fuc…..face, bitch.”

Hmmmm……

Interesting.

What really had me baffled is the voice was definitely a black woman. I think. Well, definitely a black woman OR a redneck.

Okay. So I first checked to see who called me. Private caller. Which of course when you threaten someone is what you do, right? Don’t let them know who you are.

Then I thought, who could it be? I’m not “mess….with” anyone’s man. Am I? I mean, I suppose I could inadvertently be pissing someone off due to my charm and good looks.

So I went back to my voicemail message. It says, “This is Sherri. Leave me a message and I’ll call you back.”

My name is on it. Is there another Sherri messing with someone’s man? Or maybe this person only had the number. Maybe a similar cell number ended up on some guy’s bill and his woman is mad and misdialed and accidentally got me?

And why, as a woman, would you even want to hold on to some guy who is messing with another woman. If she is messing with him, he is probably messing back. Have some pride, woman!

I really, really wish I had this person’s number to call them back. Couldn’t you just imagine the conversation?

“Hello.”

“Um…yes, hi. You just called my cell phone and said you were going to do something to my face if I didn’t stop “mess” with your man. I had a really hard time finding you because you didn’t leave your number.”

“Yeah. You better leave Levon alone or I’m gonna mess you up real bad.”

“Levon, huh? Yeah, honey, you quite possibly have the wrong number.”

“What? Isn’t this Shakeena?”

“No. My name is Sherri and I plainly identified myself on my voice mail.”

“Oh. Sorry. That Shakeena been mess with Levon, I just know it!”

“I’m really sorry to hear that. Listen, why don’t you call Shakeena and tell HER to stop mess with Levon, because I’m sure if a girl is mess with your man he probably isn’t mess back with her right? I mean, you should definitely fight for this winner.”

“Yeah, I gonna do that now.”

“Ok. Good luck with that.”

Lessons Learned on the Road

2005-11-01T08:59:00.000-05:00

You have a lot of time to think on a 1000 mile drive home. Well, in between the screaming kids and the potty breaks, that is.

I don’t know how it happened, but somewhere during this trip I finally got it. IT. Have you ever had one of those moments, I suppose you could call it an epiphany, where you just go, “Oh! So that’s what it’s all for?”

The meaning of life, as Curly so eloquently put it, is that one thing, in that one finger. Am I confusing you?

I guess what I’m trying to say is somewhere between Mississippi and Pennsylvania I finally realized why life can be so great, why it is so precious, and why I have to continually remind myself to be thankful for what I have.

I know some of you may be thinking, “Didn’t she already know this?” Yes. I did. And then I forgot. As we all do.

Life is a series of hills and valleys, dark places and epiphanies. We forget what is so wonderful about our lives and then all of a sudden it smacks us in the face and we remember.

My kids drive me crazy. I mean REALLY crazy. But I love them. And they’re mine. And life without them, now that I have known them, would feel empty.

And my husband. I’ve put him through so much. I’m sure many of you who read this remember that I was getting a divorce. WAS being the operative word.

I forgot. I forgot that I love my husband. Why?

Because as Kurt reminded me, I didn’t just want to be in love, I wanted to be in love in a movie. And I forgot that my real life ain’t that bad. And I love my husband.

I had a defining moment on my 1000 mile trip home. Life is precious. Don’t waste a moment.

We spent one night on the road during our trip. I was struggling over the continental breakfast at the hotel with my boys, (ages 3 years and 16 months). There were two other people present, a lovely woman who helped me clean up no less than 3 spilled juices and 2 bowls of spilled cheerios, and an older gentleman sipping coffee. As I was finishing up with the boys, the two of them began to talk and I overheard their conversation.

“So where are you off to?” the woman asked the older man.

“I’m traveling with my son and his family to Texas,” the old man responded.

“Oh, that sounds so nice.”

“Well, I figured I’d better go one last time. I’m 92 and this will probably be my last trip.”

His comment struck a cord. How strange it must be, I thought, to look at the end of your life and know that it is fast approaching and inevitable.

“You can’t be 92!” the lady responded. “You look wonderful! You must have had a good woman in your life.”

“I did. I lost her about 3 years ago. We were married for nearly 70 years.”

Wow.

Grasp it folks. Life is fleeting.

I'm Here! I'm Here!

2005-10-31T13:20:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to let you know I am back. I know you have been anxiously awaiting my tales from my travels.

Well, you're gonna have to wait some more!

I was greeted by 86 phone messages, 642 emails, and a stack of paperwork about 2 feet high on my desk this morning. (Okay, I may be exaggerating a little).

But be assured, my friends, soon you shall read about my revelations from a 1000 mile journey home, why no bed is better than your own, and why sometimes you just have to laugh to keep from crying.

I'll post it all soon. Promise. :)

Payback's a Bitch and Drunk Ass White Chick

2005-10-27T10:28:00.000-05:00

I just got a text message as I sit here in chilly Mississippi this morning. The replacement at my old job got fired! Not even two months and she was canned.

So, Sherri. What do you think about that?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Really? Is that really what you think?

Well, really I think: WWWAAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Don't you think that's a little juvenile?

Kind of. You're right.

Here's a quote on the record:

"It's truly ironic that the person they replaced me with, who needed to be more professional, was fired for being unprofessional. Oh yeah....and, 'ha'.

Thank you. Thank you very much. :)

______________________

Okay. So on to the "drunk ass" part.

I did "party like it's 1999" on Monday night as earlier promised. I was wearing my new sweater, fuzzy pink, really awesome. My hair was looking extremely good. I was wearing my best jeans to show off my badonkadonk. I was on fire people.

I sat down at the blackjack table at the casino next to a rather large black man and was informed, "We play for keeps here." I can only assume that he didn't want some drunk ass white chick sitting next to him ruining his good betting streak. Don't worry. He was nice. He even tipped the waitress $5. for the drunk ass white chick who told the entire blackjack table her sob story about how it was her birthday and how she was supposed to be in Cancun.

Moving on to craps. My husband and I don't really know how to play so we stood next to some guys who gave us an impromtu lesson. I then proceeded to tell the entire craps table my sob story about how it was my birthday and I was supposed to be in Cancun (see a pattern here?). I then asked the guy at the craps table, "Aren't I supposed to blow on your dice?" A risky move, I know. He said, "Of course you are, here." I blew on the dice and he immediately rolled craps. He turned to me and said, "What kind of breath do you have?" Nice.

I then moved over to the slots. My mom said I had to play the "I Dream of Jeanie" slot. It's her favorite. We searched the entire casino floor and asked 4 attendents. Finally we found it. There was a woman playing at the machine beside it and a rather large black woman who looked tired and angry was sitting in front of the machine I wanted. She wasn't playing so I went up to her and politely asked, "May I play that machine?" She gave me an evil look to which I responded, "Well, my mother told me I had to." I don't think she cared. I did not tell her the "it's my birthday/Cancun" story. I had the feeling I should leave well enough alone.

So that was three days ago. I picked my beautiful fuzzy pink sweater up off of the floor this morning. It needed to be washed. I looked down at it and noticed something. The "L" sticker was stuck right on the front of the sweater. Apparently I had worn it all night with that on the side of my left boob. Nice.

Out Of Office

2005-10-24T09:38:00.000-05:00

Sherri will be temporarily out of the office, leaving on October 24th through October 28th, returning on October 31st.

Sherri will have limited access to her blog at this time. She will try to respond to urgent comments and will return all messages on Monday, October 31st.

Sherri was supposed to be vacationing in Cancun, Mexico arriving this morning actually. Sherri is really pissed.

Sherri has decided that she will make the best of her vacation, handing the responsibility of her children over to her mother and drinking a lot.

Sherri may actually get to spend one night alone, with her husband, at a local casino. It may not survive as she has a lot of pent up frustration and feels that she must "party like it's 1999" all over again.

If you have any messages for Sherri please feel free to leave them after the beep.

*BBEEEEEEEEPPPP*

Bees vs. Collagen

2005-10-21T08:11:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was coerced into meeting with a Staples representative. I hate meetings like that. I have to pretend to be interested in what they are saying about the cost of paper clips or something boring like that. I don’t really care.

Anyway, I go to the lobby to meet the lady and BAM her giant top lip is just jutting out staring at me. It’s HUGE. She looks like Goldie Hawn in the beginning of First Wives’ Club when her collagen lip injection had gone bad.

So were talking and all I can think is:

Damn she’s got a big lip! Did she really want it like that? It’s just…..freaky.

“So I really want to tell you more about what Staples can do for you.”

“Uh huh.”

Do you know you look like a freak?

“Let’s go over this analysis of how we can cut costs.”

Stop staring, Sherri. Stop. Stop it.

“Um. I have a question,” she says.

Uh oh. She must have noticed me staring.

“Does my lip look big?”

What?! She asked?!

“Um….uh,” I try to stall.

She just stares, waiting.

What do I say?? What do I say??

“Um…..it’s….ah….not…..that big.”

Yeah, right.

“Oh, I was worried, I was stung by a bee and I am very self-conscious.”

Right…a bee, sure, that’s it.

“No. It’s fine really. I didn’t really notice.”

Talk about awkward.

Evil, Thy Name is Wilma

2005-10-20T14:58:00.000-05:00

I can no longer look at Wilma Flintstone and think happy thoughts. Her namesake has me devastated.

BOO Wilma! BOO!

Hindsight is 20/20, Baby!

2005-10-20T07:48:00.000-05:00

Conversation held in Mid-August 2005:

"So, I think we definitely need a vacation."

"I am sooo with you. I am exhausted."

"When do you want to go?"

"UMmmm...how about my birthday, in October? What about New Orleans?"

"Nah, I'm sick of New Orleans. How about Jamaica?"

"I know! Cancun. My sister loved it on her honeymoon. We can do an all-inclusive resort."

"That sounds awesome. Do you think we'll have a problem with weather? It is hurricane season?"

"They were just hit by Emily, what are the odds of another hurricane? It will be fine."

More About Me....

2005-10-19T14:39:00.000-05:00

I was tagged by Mary a loooong time ago (as in September 12th) to complete this and in keeping with a life-long addiction with procrastination, well, I’m finally doing it.

What were you doing 10 years ago?

Ten years ago I was still a kid. Well, not really a kid, I was 24. But I certainly wasn’t an adult. I was single, working as a waitress at a place called R.J. Gator’s in Boynton Beach, FL. I was in between colleges. I had my AA but wasn’t quite motivated enough to finish my BA yet.

Ten years ago I hadn’t met a certain guy that would probably single-handedly screw up my life for many years to come. That didn’t happen for about 5 more months.

Ten years ago I was living with my sister who promptly, and justifiably, kicked me out. This may have had something to do with the fact that I never paid my bills or cleaned up after myself.

Ten years ago I was just 3 days shy of getting a tattoo that I thought was cool, cried about, and then thought was cool again.

Ten years ago I had a very unrealistic idea of where I would be in ten years.

Where were you five years ago?

Five years ago I was still a newlywed.

Five years ago I had completed my BA. I used it for a couple years, realized it wasn’t making me any money and changed careers. I ended up working in the operations office for a Navy flight training squadron. This is the place where all the young “dreaming of being a hero” student pilots go to learn the art of Naval Aviation.

Five years ago I was only 5 days shy of turning 30.

Five years ago I wanted nothing more than to be a mother.

Where were you one year ago?

One year ago at this time I was still on an extended maternity leave with my second son.

One year ago I had just completed my Master’s degree (which I’m still not using, by the way).

One year ago I had no idea how fast a year can go by and how much more I could grow to love my children.

What are your five favorite snacks?

1. Doritos
2. Popcorn
3. M&M’s
4. Bagel with Peanut Butter
5. Pizza (not really a “snack” per say, but I love it!)

What are five songs that you know all the words?

Only five???

1. Like We Never Loved At All – Faith Hill
2. Romeo and Juliet – Indigo Girls
3. Real Fine Place to Start – Sara Evans
4. Something More – Sugarland
5. Sponge Bob Square Pants – The Weird Captain/Sailor Guy

What are five things you’d do with 100 million dollars?

1. Pay off all my family’s bills
2. Open a business
3. Start a gifting foundation – people in the community could apply for gifts/loans
4. Build my dream house
5. Travel

What five places do you like to run away to?

1. There was this place by the lake where I used to live in high school that I would walk to whenever I was sad or angry
2. As a teenager I used to love to drive my car up the intracoastal
3. My bed - sometimes sleep is best
4. The mall – retail therapy people
5. The refrigerator – sometimes you just need some comfort food (not really a place, I know)

What are five things you would never wear?

1. Platform shoes
2. A banana clip
3. Culottes
4. Dark blue with Black (I hate that!)
5. Facial Piercings

What are your five favorite TV shows?

1. Lost
2. Commander in Chief
3. Battlestar Galactica
4. The Office
5. The Apprentice

What are your five biggest joys?

1. My children
2. My family
3. An unexpected phone call from a friend
4. A lazy afternoon on the couch
5. Reading

What are your five favorite toys?

1. Tivo (is that a toy? I can’t live without it!)
2. I have just realized that I don’t have anything that I would classify as a toy….I need to go shopping.
3., 4., and 5. TBD

Five people to pass this on to:

1. Yoda
2. PreppyGirl
3. Princess
4. Mopey Chick
5. Shari

:)

Saddam Hussein and Hurricanes

2005-10-19T07:20:00.000-05:00

Today is truly an historic day. Saddam Hussein, one of the most evil men in recorded history, is on trial. I am sure many of us thought we would never see this day. Probably those in Iraq are stunned and still have doubts and disbelief about the credibility of the trial and if justice will actually be served.

But it is still monumental. Finally, we are beginning to see some progress in a fight has been going on for a very long time, but for most of us, began on 9-11. I know what some of you are going to say...."What does Saddam Hussein have to do with 9-11?". Maybe nothing, but in a way everything.

As a global community we are obligated to fight for those who can't. We have to fight oppression and tyranny (hmmm...do I sound like W?) in all parts of the world. I think that finally we can see a change. I think finally there is an end in sight. It's not an end to all that is wrong in the world, but finally a way to close one chapter, a point in history to show that we, together, have made a difference.

I think, no, I KNOW that we as global citizens have to strive daily to make a difference. Even if all you can do is give $5 to the Red Cross or maybe even smile at your neighbor or open the door for someone struggling with a package. Courtesy and good will ARE contagious.

It doesn't seem a coincidence to me that there have been so many tragic natural disasters in recent months. I'm not a "the end of the world is coming" kind of girl, but I do believe in signs. I think the events of this world, man-made and natural, are due to our actions. It may be because we are inflexible in our beliefs or because we don't take care of our environmnet. Regardless, we have to begin to take responsiblity for ourselves and our actions.

I still have hope for humanity. I know that this world is full of good and kind people. I believe that sometimes it's just easier to ignore what is necessary and right for what is easy.

As I watch the trial of Saddam Hussein I am saddened by what he has done, the lives he has taken and destroyed, but I am also full of hope, for a world that I know can be better.

__________________

Personal Note: Hurricanes. I am going to Cancun on Monday so can someone please send the strongest hurricane in recorded history to destroy my resort this weekend? Oh, what? One's already on its way? Thanks so much.

__________________

Please note that I linked to Shari's blog.....it's a great read. Check it out. :)

Is it just me.....

2005-10-17T14:55:00.000-05:00

...or does Star Jones look like a life-size bobble head doll?

IIF's

2005-10-17T12:12:00.000-05:00

I’ve always been the type of person who has no difficulty making friends. I tend to be outgoing and invite new and different situations into my life. I enjoy change, like a challenge and have no problem with conflict and controversy.

While all of this makes me sound like a confident and sophisticated person with friends galore, it’s also somewhat of a lie. You see, my long list of acquaintances is just that….acquaintances. Most of my relationships are highly superficial.

I have a handful of friends that I would give up everything for. Truly. I have hundreds of acquaintances that I care about, but probably don’t really know them and they don’t really know me.

That’s why I like having my IIF’s so much (Imaginary Internet Friends).

I think that some of you probably know me much better than most of the people I work with and interact with everyday, maybe even better than some of my friends.

There’s something very real about writing, something that transcends a conversation. I don’t really know why that is. You would think that you could see right through someone when they are standing in front of you. But most of us are on guard when face to face with another. In that situation there is the fear of being hurt and rejected.

Writing is an outlet, a release. We can put emotion on the page and move on with life. In some ways I think it’s therapy.

Thank you to all my internet friends. You have made this blog so much more than it was ever intended to be.

I wonder….do any of you ever worry about someone you converse with on a blog? Or maybe see something on TV and think, “Wow…so and so would really like that?”

I do.

Funny, huh?

English is Your FIRST Language??

2005-10-16T14:34:00.000-05:00

I am really sick of seemingly intelligent people butchering the English language.

1. It is specific not pacific. You don't pacifically want something. Pacific is an ocean.

2. You don't need to double double check something. By double checking it you have already checked twice. Doing it again makes it a triple check.

3. It is supposedly, not supposably. There is a D in the word. Enunciate.

4. You are looking for something, not fer/fur something. Fur covers animals. For is pronounced like the number.

5. (For my mom....love you mommy). Perfect has a T on the end of it. Use the T. It won't hurt you.

6. You are not fixin' to do something. You're just not. Don't say it.

That's all I've got. And I ain't gonna tell ya'll again to straighten up yer language!

Things DO Happen For A Reason

2005-10-14T08:34:00.000-05:00

The phone rang at 11pm last night. My first thought was, “Who died?” because when you reach your mid 30’s that’s what you think. But luckily no one had died (we’ll someone did, but no one I know and that’s another story). It was RaceGirl.

RaceGirl and I have known each other for about six years. I knew we would be forever friends when we walked out of a job together, her freshly fired, me having just quit, boxes in hands, heads held high. I’ll give you a little backstory.

RaceGirl and I lived in Mississippi. We worked at a training squadron that trained pilots for the Navy. Imagine about 30 women providing office support for about 300 pilots. It’s a great environment for a single girl! But that’s not the story either.

The story is about having a dream and actually taking the necessary steps to getting it.

I was RaceGirl’s supervisor. She was constantly on the internet looking for jobs in Charlotte, North Carolina. Her dream was to work in Nascar. I suppose it should have bothered me that she was on the internet looking for another job, but it didn’t. Her work was always done and done well. Plus there was another reason that I couldn’t blame her for wanting to leave….

The Reverend.

The Reverend was MY boss. He was a black man (this is not a racist post, just stating the facts) and he didn’t like white people. He made my life and subsequently RaceGirl’s life difficult. He was not very educated, couldn’t spell to save his life and had absolutely NO idea what was appropriate in the workplace. He was an HR nightmare.

RaceGirl had come to me on several occasions stating how unhappy she was. She said she liked working with me, but was just fed up with the way we were being treated. She and I reported the situation to The Reverend’s boss on several occasions. Nothing was done.

Finally, after many months, my advice to RaceGirl was to make the best of her time there and continue to look for something in Charlotte.

But moving away from your home and family is tough. And sometimes it takes a push to get you out of your comfort zone. I guess what I’m trying to say, is sometimes bad things happen and it takes a long time to realize the reason.

RaceGirl was fired from that job back in 2002. She was devastated. It’s taken almost 3 ½ years but RaceGirl moved to Charlotte, held crappy jobs to get by, and just last night found out that she got a job at DEI (The DE stands for Dale Earnhardt, people). That’s why my phone rang at 11pm.

So, on behalf of RaceGirl I am drafting a letter to The Reverend. I think it’s going to go a little something like this:

Dear Reverend,

I just wanted to drop you a line to let you know how one of your former employees is doing. I’m sure you remember RaceGirl.

Well, I am proud to say that she just got the job of her dreams. You remember, the one you told her she could never get? The one you said was unattainable?

I just wanted to thank you for making her so discontent while she was there. I know without your constant abuse, lack of understanding and blatant disregard for any human consideration she wouldn’t have been able to pick herself up as quickly as she did after being unjustifiably terminated. Instead of feeling defeated she got angry. Wasn’t it funny when she sued your ass?

So, anyway I hope you’re not a race fan because I don’t think you’ll be getting tickets. But I’ll be sure to wave to you from the pits.

Sincerely,
The Supervisor Whose Employees You Told, “She’s Stupid”

P.S. Just a note. Now that I have my Master’s Degree in HR maybe you’ll finally listen. Sending out an email addressing your female employees as “My Ladies” wishing them a “Happy Valentime’s Day” (your spelling, not mine) really isn’t appropriate.

Full Circle

2005-10-13T14:26:00.000-05:00

It's funny how your day can come full circle. I'll explain.

This morning I was listening to a morning show and the dj's were discussing how American's just keep getting fatter. We eat crap and don't exercise. Pretty simple.

One caller mentioned how portions at restaurants are bigger and the dj exclaimed, "Yeah, you eat a 320z. steak and it's free!"

I didn't think about it again until just now.

I was helping an admin. in FL find a place for a company dinner in Ft. Lauderdale. She's new to that area, I used to live there. I was about to send her the link for Shula's on the Beach, a restaurant owned by the former Miami Dolphins coach Don Shula.

Before I sent the link I got interested and went a little deeper into the site. That's when I noticed the 48oz. club. If you eat a 48oz. steak you get the opportunity to purchase a $120.00 commemorative football.

Wow, ain't that great?

It gets better. Here's a pic of the #1 member of the 48oz. club. He's eaten over 100 of them.

Sherri Needs....

2005-10-13T08:28:00.000-05:00

I copied Yoda's idea and did the google search "Sherri needs". You have to put the quotation marks in or it won't work correctly.

According to the internet, here are the things that will fix my life (in the order found):

1. Sherri needs to know.... (hhmmm???)

2. Sherri needs prayer. (Always.)

3. Sherri needs to learn that they are not "wrong". (Everyone but me is wrong. Come on!)

4. Sherri needs a blog of her own. (Hey I have one....woohoo!)

5. Sherri needs to ask about the mach 3 she was going to get in the mail when she was 18. (huh?)

6. Sherri needs to bring to light what those that are trying to make this go away have to hide. (Oohhhh.....I'm a spy. Or a superhero!)

7. Sherri needs a year off also. (OHMIGOD! They DO know me!)

8. Sherri needs to sneak out. (I already did that as a teenager. I think I'm up to my quota, thank you!)

9. Sherri needs to meet with the DVR counselor her senior year for intake purposes. (Huh? What's a DVR counselor? Am I being committed?)

10. Sherri needs to forget the world. (Need I say more?)

So that's it. Do yours and see what you get. :)

Lost in Translation

2005-10-12T10:52:00.000-05:00

My new job requires me to quite often make reservations for my boss. Most of the people I speak to are pleasant, all business, and conversation is short and to the point.

Unfortunately, sometimes the people I speak to are unprofessional and rude.

And then….there are those like today.

I needed to make a dinner reservation for my boss. For the purpose of this post I’ll call my boss “Bob Vanilla”.

I called an “Asian/French fusion” restaurant in East Hampton. A woman with a thick Asian accent answers:

Asian voice: Hello.

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation for dinner tonight. Two for 7pm.

Asian voice: Oh yes. Two for 7pm. The name?

Me: Bob Vanilla.

Asian voice: Will you spell the last name please?

Me: V – A – N…

Asian voice: B – A – M…. (Does she really think the name is Bamilla?)

Me: No. V as in Victor, A, N as in Nancy….

Asian voice: T – A – N….

Me: No. V…VVeeeee… V as in Victor.

Asian voice: Oh. V- A- N. Mr. Bob Van? (huh?)

Me: No. Bob Vanilla.

Asian voice: Will you spell that please?

Me: (big sigh) V – A – N – I – L – L – A.

Asian voice: V – A – N – I ….then what?

Me: L – L – A.

Asian voice: Okay. That’s V – A – N- E – L – I – A

Me: (You have so got to be freakin’ kidding me!) No….Vanilla…like the bean.

Asian voice: Vanilla bean? (I am so not making this up. Except it wasn't "Vanilla Bean" because I changed the name, remember?)

Me: Not Vanilla Bean. Just Vanilla. Vanilla. Bob Vanilla.

Asian voice: Okay. Mr. Bob Vanilla. Two for 7pm. And your phone number?

Me:
555-46….

Asian voice: 545…

No way…..

It took me 5 more minutes to get off the phone. I know I’m going to have to confirm this one...twice!

Sad.

Disclaimer: For all the angry Asians reading this…. This post in no way demeans Asians….Just a way to describe the woman, people. Get over yourselves!

For Lack of Something Better....

2005-10-12T09:20:00.000-05:00

I have decided today that I will issue a challenge to all my blogging friends. I challenge you to out yourself on some of your most embarrassing habits, likes, or moments, etc.

Here are a few of mine:

1. When I am commuting to and from work I pretend that I am on stage and sing like I’m a star. I will belt out a song like someone is paying to hear it and I actually think I’m good. I’m sure most people who see me doing this are somewhat disturbed and possible even a little scared. It must look hysterical.

2. I LOVE country line dancing. I love it.

3. I LOVE Battlestar Gallactica. It’s one of the best science fiction shows on television (next to Lost, that is.) I’m sure there is a struggling Trekkie trying to get out. Who knows maybe I’ll end up dressed like a Klingon someday.

4. I LOVE Lost. While this might not be embarrassing in itself, I do spend hours on the internet reading message boards trying to figure out the plot. Of course I do this at work, but don’t tell my boss. My husband gets frustrated because I always rewind the show to watch certain parts several times.

5. When I was in the 7th grade I laughed so hard that I peed in my pants. Seriously. It was gross. And it was at the beginning of the day. And I had to walk around all day like that. Needless to say I gave everyone a wide berth and pretended to be sick.

6. One of my dreams is to host SNL. It would be so cool. I just know I’d be funny. But everyone watching would be like, “Who the hell is that???”

So that’s it for today. How about you?

Jesus is my......

2005-10-10T18:11:00.000-05:00

I totally stole this idea from Jen from Alaska's blog.

This is hysterical!

Now I'm all for Jesus, but who can really play football in sandals and a robe? Come on!

And what about the little kid that's about to tackle him. Is he going to hell? I mean I can only guess that tackling Jesus is considered to be a sin.

And why isn't Jesus wearing a helmet? I know he's the son of God and all, but shouldn't he be promoting safety for children?

You know what would be great?

Office Jesus statues.

I could have one of me sitting at my desk and Jesus leaning over my shoulder, hands poised on my computer keyboard as I blog away.

Or maybe when my evil pseudoboss is yelling at me, Jesus could be standing behind him at the ready, a holy wedgie's on it's way!

There are soooo many possibilities.

Any ideas???

Toll Booth Serial Killer Strikes Again

2005-10-10T07:26:00.000-05:00

I really thought he was gone. But he was there. Today. In my lane.

I didn't realize it was him at first. I never had an upclose look at him before. He's older than I originally thought. Maybe late 30's, early 40's.

I pulled up to the toll booth, rolled down my window, and looked up just as our hands touched exchanging the money.

OHMIGOD!!! I touched him. EWWWWW......

Then he says, "I have to say you look gorgeous today. Have a nice day."

I just mumble, "Um....you too."

Oh shit! Did he think I meant he looked gorgeous? I meant have a nice day. And I didn't even really mean that! I didn't know what to say.

And he said I look gorgeous. Usually nice to hear, but not from a serial killer! And what did he mean he "had" to say it? Is there some psychosis that is forcing it out of him? Is my demise next?

Damn toll roads!

I am sufficiently creeped out. Maybe I will get EZ Pass after all.

Help A Brother Out...

2005-10-09T16:35:00.000-05:00

Okay. I have been sufficiently nagged and now I am linking to a really awesome realtor's site. (Oh yeah...he's my husband, too).

So if you are in the Bucks County, PA area and are looking to buy or sell a house take a look.

And if you aren't in the Bucks County, PA area and aren't looking to buy a house please click on the link anyway. I'm trying to drum up a little traffic for the hubby.

Thanks for your help and more posting to come tomorrow.

Thanks ya'll! :)

Really Awesome Realtor's Site :)

Get A Clue

2005-10-07T07:13:00.000-05:00

Why is it that no matter what you say, some guys just don't get that you're not interested?

First, I will admit that I am a flirt. It is usually innocent flirting, though. But some guys just don't get it.

Case in point....

A few weeks ago I went out with some people from work. I'm fairly new so I was thinking, this will be a good way to get to know people better. I'll meet some more people, make some friends, work will be more fun.

So we end up at a bar and there's a guy from accounting sitting next to me. I don't really know him that well so we strike up a conversation about our personal lives, etc. He's divorced, I'm married, we both have kids, he really wants to meet someone, I'm looking forward to my husband coming home from a trip, and it goes on.

He has thrown out a few flirty comments which I politely shut down. I turned the conversation to how my I love my kids and the romantic vacation I'm going to be taking with my husband soon. I figured he would get the message....you know the "even though we are all sitting here getting wasted and acting silly I love my husband and you would never ever have a chance" message?

As the night is winding down, there are only 4 of us left. One girl and her husband, and me and Mr. Flirty Accounting Guy (FAG). Girl and her husband leave. Mr. FAG is pretty drunk. I'm pretty sober. I offer to follow Mr. FAG home to make sure he gets there ok. He only lives about 3 miles down the road (don't preach that he shouldn't have drove....I know).

When we get to Mr. FAG's house, I pull up next to his car.

"Hey Sherri," he says in his drunken drawl.

"Yeah?"

"Can I see you again?" he asks.

"Yeah, I'll see you on Monday."

"I know, but I want to see you again."

"You will, silly. I'll see you on Monday at work."

"But when can I see you outside of work?" he asks.

"Dude, I'm married."

Some guys just don't get it. But he was drunk and I guess you have to give him credit for trying, even as pathetic as it was.

Xenu Will Rise Again

2005-10-06T07:24:00.000-05:00

"So you're okay with this?"

"I think so. Tell me again what's going to happen."

"Well, now that the alien DNA has taken root in your womb, the spawn of Xenu will begin to grow until you eventually explode while giving birth."

"Um....can I survive that?"

"Sure. sure. It really won't hurt a bit. We'll just give you more of the drugs we've been giving you this whole time to make you go along with this charade."

"But I thought you didn't believe in drugs?"

"I only believe in what benefits me, baby, come on...."

"True. So, do I get to raise the baby?"

"Um. Yeah. And I really love you. Women rock."

"Oh, Tommy!"

If You Can't Do It Right....

2005-10-05T12:32:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel like everyone who worked before you was a complete and total idiot?

The reason I feel like this today is because even though I enjoy my new job, some of the things I have taken over are a total disaster. I mean a TOTAL DISASTER!!!

It’s so bad that the insurance company is calling because they say we owe them $43,000 that we don’t actually owe….and it’s all due to bad record keeping. So here I come and clean it up. Not without working through many lunches and countless headaches of course.

It seems that every new job I take, and that’s plenty thanks to the Navy, is worse than the next. Why hasn’t anyone before me put procedures in place? Why aren’t there any instructions for how to perform certain duties? Why, oh why, are people so stupid?

I know I can’t possibly be the only person this has happened to. I’m sure that there are those of you out there that start a new job and are equally as frustrated, right?

Has anyone actually started a new job and your workspace is neat and clean? There are manuals explaining your job functions and procedures to get those items done? The person you are taking over for is actually THERE for turnover and not a distant memory of the past and has been gone just long enough for the person who took over in the interim to completely screw everything up because they don’t care?

No? Me either.

It’s so sad. It seems like no one cares anymore. So I guess I’m old fashioned and actually want the things I’m responsible for to be right. And here’s a crazy thought….if I don’t know how to do it….instead of doing it wrong….I ask questions until I find out the correct way. What a concept! Who knew you could ask questions and do something right???

I asked the person who was working on this insurance fiasco before I took over, how she knew the right way to do it, and the response I got was, “Oh, I just did what I thought was right.” Guess what babe? You thought wrong. We’ll just take that $43,000 out of your check. Maybe next time you’ll figure out how to do it right.

Ugh.

Tell Me A Story

2005-10-04T15:27:00.000-05:00

There truly can’t be anything funnier than a 3 year old listening to a story and repeating it back to you.

I told Charlie the story of Stanley the dinosaur who lives in the woods behind Grammy and Pawpaw’s house. Charlie likes to repeat the story to me this way:

(Notice how he always adds on a potty-training memory…not quite sure why.)

“I need strawberries. Okay. I went in the dark woods. Then clomp, clomp, clomp. Don’t eat me. I don’t eat little boys I eat strawberries. Grammy’s making a pie. They all ate pie and laughed and laughed. Then they pooped in the potty and got a fire truck. The end.”

Every time he gets to “they pooped in the potty” I start laughing so hard I cry.

Karma?

2005-10-03T15:37:00.000-05:00

Those of you that have been with me for the past several months here in cyberspace will remember me telling you about my not-so-nice neighbor who ended up with brain cancer. Well, I saw her yesterday. I can’t tell you how much it affected me.

My husband and I went to drop of our nephews after spending the day at the zoo. They live two houses down from my old neighbor. When we pulled into the driveway she was outside. She waved, so I went over to see her. When I got close to her what I saw blew me away.

Where there was once a vibrant and youthful person, now stood a disfigured woman that I didn’t even recognize. I felt at once pity and even remorse for some of the hateful thoughts I had about his person. She probably deserved every one of those hateful thoughts, but seeing her in this condition put the pettiness of our arguments into perspective.

The right side of her forehead was caved in where some of the bone had been removed. Her mouth was twisted to the left and her speech was impaired. Her nose continually ran and she drooled when she talked. Her right eye was focused differently than her left. She is approximately 5’7” and weighed only 98 pounds. She has very little hair left.

I looked at her and I realized that the life she knew is over. Even if she makes a miraculous recovery her life and those of her family will never be the same. While we spoke I had to continually remind myself to treat her the same way I always had. I felt myself wanting to speak to her as I would a child or someone who is mentally impaired. But there’s nothing wrong with her mind. She’s just damaged on the outside now.

So what’s worse? Dying or living a life you could never imagine? I kept thinking, “Would I want to live that way?” I suppose I would if only to see my children grow up, but what would seeing me like that do to them?

I still can’t get what has happened to her out of my mind. The only way I can truly explain how I’m feeling is that it makes me want to be a better person, as if by being nicer and kinder, something that bad won’t happen to me.

I just can't stop thinking about it. What do you think?

Something Sucky This Way Comes

2005-09-30T14:24:00.000-05:00

So, you are waiting for "Things That Suck - the Week of September 26th", eh?

Well, I don't have a list for you. Not much sucked this week. Everything is great.

Oh, who the hell am I kidding! Here you go:

1. Concert tickets that are $75 for the cheap seats. I mean, really. Who the hell can afford that?

2. The day the weather turns cold and you haven't bought a winter coat yet. It was in the 30's this morning. Ugh.

3. Trying to squeeze a 3 year old into warm clothes that are too small for him because you have yet to buy him winter clothes. Again...ugh.

4. Someone suggesting that your nickname be, "fish taco". No, I'm not kidding. (And no...this does not pertain to what you're thinking.)

5. At precisely the moment you finish days of paperwork and are sighing with relief, the "rubberband man" drops a 6-inch high stack of work on your desk.

That's it for this week. Hope you all have a non-sucky weekend.

Kisses.

Help - This Boy Lost His Frog

2005-09-30T13:37:00.000-05:00

Have you ever seen this? I just saw it yesterday for the first time and it made me giggle.

www.lostfrog.org

Journey Through Hell

2005-09-28T05:54:00.000-05:00

I have to walk through hell to get to my beautiful office each day. Remember the evil man that works with me and his two evil assistants? Well, my IT friend (pictured in the lower right corner), gave me an idea for an artistic interpretation of this experience.

You will see a cut-away building. There I am, serene, in my office, halo firmly attached. There just outside, lurking, is RLAA (Rather Large Annoying Ass) and his two evil assistants, B1 and B2 (you can figure out what the B's stand for).

See how he holds them in his evil arms as the flames climb higher and higher??? OOOHHHH......

Scary.

It's Procedure

2005-09-27T15:51:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I finally found time to call the doctor’s office about a bill I received. I had an abdominal ultrasound done and everything was covered by my insurance. I even had a copy of the EOB stating that my financial responsibility was $0.00.

I called the office that had billed me $104.00. A woman answers the phone:

Office Hag: Hello, XYZ Office, May I help you?

Me: Hi. I received a bill that I believe I don’t owe.

Office Hag: May I have the account number?

I give her the information.

Office Hag: Ma’am, you were billed because we never received your insurance information.

Me: I gave my insurance information when I checked in for my ultrasound.

Office Hag: Yes, but that was for the hospital. This bill is for the radiologist.

Me: So the hospital didn’t give you my insurance information?

Office Hag: We are separate from the hospital ma’am. We have no way of getting that information until you give it to us.

Me: So why didn’t you call me for it?

Office Hag: We have a billing procedure in place. We don’t call for that information.

Me: It seems odd that you have my name and address to send me a bill. Who gave you that?

Office Hag: The hospital provided that information ma’am.

Me: So the hospital can give you my name and address so that you can send me a bill, but you can’t read further down the page and get my insurance information?

Office Hag: Our billing procedure does not include getting that information from the hospital.

Me: So how do you get a patient’s insurance information.

Office Hag: We send you a bill and when you call us we get your information.

WTF!!!!

What the hell kind of procedure is that!

It seems like XYZ office doesn’t like the piddly amounts insurance companies pay and they are trying to screw their patients.

Nice.

Things That Suck - The Week of September 19

2005-09-23T14:56:00.000-05:00

1. Absolut Vodka

2. Chinese food from a grocery store

Let's just say, not only do they suck individually, but together they are very near deadly.

Hope you have a great weekend!

The Woods Ain't Just For Peein' Anymore!

2005-09-22T08:29:00.000-05:00

The Pennsylvania Turnpike has become an endless source of fascination for me. Initially it was the Toll Takers, then there was a brief encounter with EZ Pass, and now it’s the wide shoulders on the side of the road.

Everyday I take the Northeast Extension to work. There are small sections of the shoulder, probably about 300 or 400 feet long, where the shoulder is about 20 feet wide. I assume this is used mainly as a rest area for truckers as there are usually one or two trucks parked there daily.

Lately, though, I have driven by at the exact time someone is walking from their car to the woods. There are usually two or three cars parked, all are empty and there is a lone man strolling into the woods.

First I thought, ok….this guy’s going to pee. Then I thought, are all the people in the other cars peeing, too? Hmmmm…..? Could that many cars all be broken down together? Odd….

Then it hit me. There’s Something About Mary. You know, the part where rest stops are homosexual havens akin to bathhouses of the 70’s?

I guess that the woods off of the shoulder of the Northeast Extension of the Pennsylvania Turnpike are the new “hot” spot for this type of activity. There just isn’t any other explanation for it.

All this just on my commute to work! I wonder what the day will bring?

Never Said I Was "PC"

2005-09-21T14:24:00.000-05:00

All I have to say is:

MWAHAAAHHHAAAAHHHAAAAAA!!!!!

She's A Man, Baby!

2005-09-20T15:07:00.000-05:00

Is it just me or do Macy Gray and Fergie look like drag queens?

My Brush With The Devil

2005-09-19T15:12:00.000-05:00

There are some people that just creep me out. I don’t know what it is about them. I’m sure everyone knows someone like that. The person that creeps me out just happens to frequent my favorite night club. Unfortunately, he looks just how I imagine the devil would look in human form.

A few weeks ago I was out with some girlfriends when I looked across the bar and saw a guy that made my skin crawl. He had shoulder length black hair, thick black eyebrows and the darkest eyes I have ever seen. He was on the short side and just had an evil air about him. I can’t describe it any other way except that he literally made me feel physically uncomfortable.

I pointed him out to my friends. “Look, that guy looks like the devil, doesn’t he?”

Everyone agreed that he would get the role in a cheesy “B” movie. I avoided him all evening and went home.

This past Saturday I was at the same club. I was standing with a friend when all of a sudden I hear, “Hello. My name is Angelo. Am I bothering you?”

It was the devil.

He would have been scary except his voice was very lispy and feminine. I guess he was trying to pick me up, but I think the look of disbelief along with my lack of response at any of his questions deterred him.

He must have stood and talked to me for 2 or 3 minutes and I just stood there and stared. Later I was told that my eyes were about as wide as they would go and I just looked scared. Eventually he went away.

Later that evening I was talking to another girl that I had just met through some friends. “Eww….there’s that devil guy,” I said as he walked by.

“Oh, you mean, ‘I’m Angelo am I bothering you’?” my new friend asked.

“Shit. That’s what he said to me. That’s a terrible pick up line!” I exclaimed.

“I know. We all just told him that he was bothering us and to go away.”

Now this may seem mean, but here’s a word of advice for all you guys. (This really pertains to everyone whether you resemble the devil or not.) If you want to pick up a girl don’t say, “Hi. Am I bothering you?” Just doesn’t come across as confident.

And if you do look like the devil…..maybe a goth club would better fit your lifestyle. Just a thought.

Things That Suck - The Week of Sept. 12

2005-09-16T07:36:00.000-05:00

Here's my list of things that suck for this week:

1. Watching specials on September 11th and realizing that you will never be over it as you sit alone on your couch crying like a baby for all those lost.

2. Getting completely drenched on your way into work because you were too stupid to buy an unbrella after the last time you got drenched on your way into work.

3. Eating your lunch alone in the lunchroom and the office nerd walks in and you have to eat with him because it would be too rude to get up and leave. (And just FYI - it's REALLY disgusting to watch him eat.)

4. Not knowing how to do some of your new job duties and finding out after you ask for help the absolutely NO ONE where you work knows how to do it either.

5. Gas Prices.....need I say more.

6. Scaring the shit out of yourself because you have been home alone for two weeks and instead of getting more comfortable with it you get more and more paranoid everyday.

I'll explain this one.....

As many of you know I had to break into my house a couple of weeks ago. So I was home alone the night before last. It had been raining and it was really muggy outside. There was a tremendous amount of condensation on all the windows of the house. I go into the kitchen to let the dog out the back door when I stop dead in my tracks.

There are two hand prints on the kitchen window. It looks like someone has been standing there peering in at me. My blood runs cold. I have those few seconds where I stop breathing and my heart skips a few beats.

OHMIGOD!!! What do I do? Could they still be out there? Should I call the police?

Then it dawns on me......

Those are my handprints from when I locked my dumb ass out of the house and had to climb through the kitchen window. I just shook my head in shame and let the dog out.

Hope you have a great weekend! :)

Why I Don't Want EZ Pass

2005-09-14T17:12:00.000-05:00

I take the turnpike to work and have to stop when I get on to get a ticket and stop when I get off to pay the toll. I've been told by several people that I should get EZ Pass. If you don't already know, EZ Pass is a device that you put on your windshield and it automatically pays your toll from a credit card or your bank account.

Here's why I don't want it.

1. While it may be more convenient it would completely eliminate my need to scrounge in my car for loose change. It is absolutely amazing how many items I find in my car this way. I found a pair of sunglasses that I thought I had lost a year ago and don't even get me started on rogue french fries (I blame the kids).

2. EZ Pass would eliminate the fear of the possibility of some transient homeless person car-jacking me as I pay my toll on a deserted stretch of highway at 1am in the morning. I mean, really.....who doesn't love that thrill.

3. I would definitely have less contact with potential serial killers.

4. I wouldn't be able to tell you the story of my toll booth experience from last night.

I was on my way to a Phillies game. I was in a hurry because for the first time in my life I had tickets for a suite. I was frazzled, running late, and driving like a maniac. When I stopped to pay my toll the toll taker said, "Have a peaceful night."

Kinda odd, huh?

I have heard, "Have a good day", "Thanks", and even been grunted at by a toll taker (is that the PC job title?), but I have never been told, "Have a peaceful night." In fact, I don't think anyone has ever told me that. So while I was mulling it over I saw a hand-written sign on an exit sign. It said, "Repent to Jesus."

Shit.

My mind started on one of its weird tangents.

What if the toll taker was really from God and he used the word "peaceful" to get my attention and then the repent sign was a way to tell me to take stock of my life, etc.?

Okay, I know.....I'm a little weird. But just in case I said a little prayer and slowed down.

See. EZ Pass definitely wouldn't be this fun.

See Ya, Saddam

2005-09-13T07:10:00.000-05:00

I had a very odd dream last night and I'm not really sure what to make of it. I will relay it hear and await your analysis, dear readers.

I was sitting in a restaurant, possibly an Applebee's or a TGI Friday's. I was there with my husband, another woman and a man. I didn't realize until the man got up to leave that it was Saddam Hussein. His hair was cut in a flat top, he was wearing a Big Johnson surfer t-shirt, Levi's and sneakers.

As Saddam left I said, "See ya, Saddam."

"Shalom," he replied.

"Did he say, 'Shalom'?" I asked my husband.

The other woman at the table (still unidentified) and my husband started laughing. "Oh that Saddam," the woman replied, "He thought you said, 'See ya, Shalom', not 'See ya, Saddam', so he said 'Shalom' to you. Isn't that funny?!"

I didn't know. Is that funny? I guess Saddam Hussein wouldn't say 'Shalom' would he? Isn't that Jewish? Forgive my ignorant Christian self.

Anyway, that was the end. Just a humorous jaunt that included me having dinner at a generic American chain restaurant with one of the most notorious murderers on the planet.

So.....your diagnosis?

Things That Suck - The Week of Sept. 5, 2005

2005-09-09T14:45:00.000-05:00

I have decided that I am going to start a new Friday entry. Every week I am going to list the things that suck for that week. So here's the first edition.

1. People who refuse to talk to you yet read your blog. (Yes, I know you are reading this. I am going to assume you won't talk to me because you finally found that girl with the lazy eye.)

2. People who have more power than you at work yet are intimidated by you. (RLAA for example.)

3. Friends who swear they will always be there for you then univite you to parties.

4. Diet Coke. (I know.....doesn't really flow with this list, but it does suck.)

5. Toll roads that are in ill repair. What exactly are we paying for?

6. Menstrual cramps. REALLY suck!

7. My entire family being together and I'm the only one not there.

8. Missing my kids.

9. Cooking for one.

10. Trying to think up #10 to round out a list. I got nothin'.

Hope you all have a great weekend and it doesn't suck! :)

Mean People Suck

2005-09-08T20:27:00.000-05:00

I might be just a touch wasted as I write this so bear with me if I ramble. I have had one hell of a BAD day. It resulted in retail therapy and two rather large ultimate margaritas. Let me recap for you:

I was a little depressed this morning. My husband went to Mississippi to help out with the hurricane relief effort and we decided since he would be in the same town as my parents that he would take the kids. It's only for two weeks and they really enjoy spending time with Grammy and Pawpaw, but I'm a little lonely. When you're used to two little ones running around, a quiet house can be a little overwhelming.

As most of you know I have a new job. I work for the owner of the company. The president of the company's office is right outside of the executive suite where my office is located. His assistant also has a desk there. On Friday, my boss and the president were gone. The president's assistant, who shall now be known as MegaBiatch, was complaining that she had to be at the office because she had to oversee some people coming in who were going to be stuffing envelopes in the conference room for a personal charity of the president. I said, "Wow, so the owner let's him do that here? That's nice."

Apparently what I said got turned around by MegaBiatch to the president, who shall now be known as Rather Large Annoying Ass (or RLAA for short), and he tore me a new one this morning. Apparently he thought I was questioning his right to use the conference room. He was yelling at me so loudly that it could be heard down the hall. He told me, "You have no right to question me. I am the president of the company. You weren't hired to be a detective." He then said a few choice things and closed with, "I hope we have many happy years working together."

I was so freakin' mad. I wanted to tell him off. And you know what I said????

I fucking apologized. For something I didn't even do. So then the more I thought about it the madder I got. And of course when I get mad......I cry.

So I'm sitting at my new job crying, feeling like a total asshole. My boss comes in that afternoon and I told him what happened. And you know what he did???

He actually defended me. He was awesome.

So then as I am finally feeling better about the day my friend from my old job, who invited me to a party on Saturday at her house, emails me to univite me. She talked to her husband last night and he feels that other people where I used to work would feel uncomfortable due to the circumstances of my leaving. WTF???

Some friend, huh?

So then I was upset again.

So I did what any normal girl would do in the same situation. I called a REAL girlfriend. One who actually gives a shit. We went shopping and the had some rather large adult beverages. Thanks R. I feel better.

So They Wanted Professional?!

2005-09-07T14:44:00.000-05:00

I just realized it has been almost a week since my last post. I am going to blame it on a fantastic holiday weekend with family and friends. There was drinking, karaoke, dancing, bull riding, swimming, running, screaming, and an all out good time.

So.....what to post?

I thought it might be fun to review a few fairly recent posts and do a little follow up. As most of you know, I recently changed jobs. Not entirely of my own choosing, but a good thing none the less. One of the lame ass....oops....I mean perfectly justified....reasons they gave me for my early termination was that they were looking for a more professional image for the person supporting the office of the CIO.

That's how they put it. "The office of the CIO". It sounds impressive, but if you worked there you wouldn't be impressed.

So anyway, they wanted someone more professional. Let me describe what I look like and my normal work attire. I am 5'8". I wear a size 14. I have long brown hair that is well kept. I usually wore professional slacks and a button down crisp shirt and heels. I didn't wear anything trendy and I have a tattoo on my ankle so I only wore pants to hide it. Overall, I almost looked overdressed in the business casual office that I worked in. Most people only wore khakis and polo type shirts.

Here's a good idea of what I look like on a normal day:

Here's a description of my replacement as given to me by several former colleagues: bleached blonde hair with dark roots, around a size 18 (not that that's important, but HA!), her normal wardrobe is slacks, a tank top which shows her enormous tattoo on her shoulder and a crochet poncho. Some words used to describe her were: "tired, worn out, trashy, biker chick, and rude".

Apparently, this person calls everyone "hon" and within 3 days had told several people that she "supported the office of the CIO" and they should do what she asked.

WWWHHHAAAAAHHHAAAHHHAAAA!!!!!! Sorry....that is hysterical. I hope my old boss is happy with his new skank, I mean assistant.

So anyway, here is my artistic vision of my replacement:

I know. I know. "A little bit catty don't you think, Sherri?" Yes, I suppose you're right. But it sure is fun! ;)